The Truth Is...

It's a damn good feeling when people you haven't heard from in years, message you and tell you how great you look, how happy you are now, how proud of you they are, etc.  

I've had multiple friends I haven't seen or spoken to in a while tell me that recently. 

I'm just here to say that it has taken me a very long time to get here.

Since I have been back to writing my book and each night I write a little or jot down some ideas for the book. I am telling you, this thing is going to be great, but in the meantime I've been thinking a lot about my life and where all I have been, what I've been through, and sometimes I feel that so much negative has happened in my life in the last 3 years that I often forget to remember some really great things about my life. 

Things that have happened when I was a kid or maybe as a teenager that are just too great to be put on the back burner and not remembered as frequently as other things remembered. 

Today a bad storm came through and I can't help but remember the times as a little girl when it would storm and the lights would go out my sister and I would always go climb in bed with our mom. We would sit there and laugh and giggle for hours until we fell back asleep. My mom would always laugh at how cold my feet were(and still are to this day) when I would put them on her needing some of her warm comfort. 

Something that used to be so scary now a beautiful memory.

CRAZY HOW THAT HAPPENS. 

For those of you who follow me on social media, it's no secret that I miss my mom. 

Although I am happy for her and how she is no longer suffering, I often times need to hear her voice, or need to hold her hand. That's just something every child needs and definitely every 28 year old girl needs from their mom. 

Right???

RIGHT! 

Well, let me tell you that after losing my mom I was in a very dark place. 

I was planning a wedding, trying to buy a house, trying to buy a new vehicle, all while coping with the loss of my mothers and some life changing events that happened regarding my dad. 

I was engaged to my (soon to be ex) husband two months before my mom died. 

Her and I didn't even get to enjoy it together.

Looking back, I would change sooooo much about it all but what you can you do.

NO REGRETS!!

I planned the wedding mainly by myself because my sister wasn't here and my bridesmaids were off living their own lives so it was pretty much just me, crafting and what not. Now, don't get me wrong, people did help I just didn't want to bother too much because planning a wedding is a nightmare. 

I got married and lived happily ever after... right???

WRONG.

There were some things that happened before our wedding and actually the day of that really set the tone for what our marriage would be like. 

Needless to say, the very next day after our wedding wasn't the greatest between our families.

Blake and I lasted 10 whole months before I asked him to get out of the house.

The crazy thing is that it wasn't even that hard for me to say that. I mean how could it be... I had already buried my mom 9 months before that and watched my father be taken away from 1 month prior to that. 

There are things that happen in your life that you know you will never be the same again. 

A before and an after sort of thing. 

I loved Blake more than I've ever loved another human being.

I knew the wrinkles on his forehead, the calm of his breath, the loudness of his snore, the way he ate, the way he played softball, how he would catch the ball or take an at bat, the way he would brush his hair and even his teeth.... I knew this man like the back of my hand.

Fuck, how could I not? I had devoted the last 5 years of my life to him. I had quit friendships and pushed family away. I had put myself in this hole that included only me and Blake.

I thought he hung the moon.

But he didn't. 

I did.

I hung the moon.

I had to. 

I had to get myself up off the floor. 

I had to wipe my tears away.

I had to scream into a pillow on nights I couldn't bare to breathe another minute knowing she was never coming back.

I hung my moon.

Not Blake, not my sister, not my mom, not my dad, not anyone else but me.

And let me tell you, it was REALLY lonely on that moon by myself. 

But I told myself I needed to hang this moon for myself so that after nightfall, I could have the most beautiful sunshine there ever was.

It wasn't easy. 

Some days I didn't know how I was going to make it but I knew I would figure it out. 

AND I DID!

Although leaving Blake wasn't easy it was something I needed to do.

I love him and always will.

I took vows to love him forever and that I will always mean.

But sometimes you can love someone and not be IN love with them and sometimes you can love someone and you not be together.

That's where we are.

I know Blake loves me and would give me the moon if I asked him to.

But that's not what I want.

Hell, That's not what I need. 

I am still working on myself... I mean, aren't we all?

I've always had big dreams and goals for myself and I've done pretty well at accomplishing them.

This last year has led me to so many new places and faces.

I've made some amazing new friends, I've seen new sunsets and I've felt new love. 

One closed door is always an opportunity to open a new one.

My point is.... I got knocked down once, twice and three times and each time I got back up.

You have to. 

You can't let the negative things define you. You have to own them, make them your bitch and move on. 

So the truth is, when I get a compliment about how great I'm doing in life and how great I look, yeah.... I LOVE IT!