Dating in 2019

Okay so it's no secret to say that dating in 2019 is a joke.

Sure there are more possible ways to date now than there were 10 years ago because of apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge.

But then again there are also easier ways to ghost someone, or just drop someone, or just get the one thing most guys are after and then move on.

Which, don't get me wrong, those apps are great and all. I have friends who have met their significant other on some of those apps, but I decided to delete my accounts and just go with the old fashioned way.

Here's a little back story on me:

After dating someone last summer, I took a break for two months then dated again. It went downhill faster than I could even imagine and once it did I thought to myself "WHAT AM I DOING?"

I saw the red flags. I chose to ignore them.

BUT WHY?

Because I didn't want to be alone?

Did I even really like him?

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

So I told myself, no more.

You're done dating.

So I quit.

I QUIT DATING.

I told myself than anytime a guy comes along and I get a red flag within the first few days or even first date or two I'm out.

Why waste time?

Why continue to hang out or put myself in a position where he can try to "hook up" when I've already gotten the red flags?

So I did.

For the last 8 months I have been on 3 dates.

1 in December.
1 in January.
1 last week.

And here's what I have to say about dating.....

WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON???

Am I wrong for being a little old fashioned where I expect the guy to come to my house, pick me up for dinner(with or without flowers) and take me on a proper date?

The last time a guy came to my house(he actually drove from 3 hours away) and picked me up, made reservations and took me on a date was in August of 2017. He took me out for drinks and dancing afterwards and didn't try to have sex with me at the end of the night either.

Because he values me.

A man who doesn't try to hook up with a woman immediately respects her and values her.

Sure, times are different now, where we text, social media is a major factor, I'm such a go with the wind kind of girl that I just get up and go so often times i'll get asked on a fishing date or a come play softball with me date... but never fails.... I see the red flags all too soon and I'm out.

I was chatting with a girlfriend yesterday about dating and she said something that spoke volumes to me.

Her words "The way sex is normalized these days is just upsetting. People make it so casual and get mad if you don't do it immediately."

Ummmm, THANK YOU!

First off let's just start off by agreeing that sex is great. BUT IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE HAD WITH EVERYONE.

I take pride in myself in knowing I don't give it up easily. I take pride in myself knowing what I like and how I like it but knowing I can damn sure go without it too.

Show me some respect. 
Show me you value me.

There's a guy who I crushed on so hard for a while, who I had hung out with on multiple occasions and even ended up in his bed in my tee shirt and underwear not once but TWICE and he never tried a thing with me. NOT ONE THING. We got in bed, he put his arm around me, and we went to sleep.

AND WHY? Because he values me as a woman.

He knew I wouldn't be like the rest of them to just give it up. He also knew I wasn't the girl he wanted to use and toss to the side like yesterday's trash.

You see what I am getting at here?

MANY MEN WANT YOU BUT NOT MANY MEN VALUE YOU. 


STOP WITH THE BULL SHIT.

Stop trying to have sex with me.

Stop trying to have sex with the next girl.

And the girl after that.

Show some respect.

Show that you had a momma that raised you with morals.

And dammit, show a woman that you're not like the rest of them.

Glow Through What You Go Through

Last summer I fell for this guy.

Boy did I fall.

It had been years since I had literally just fallen on my face for a man.

So naturally I was quite upset when something happened causing me to end our time together.

I couldn't wrap my head around the situation.

Why me?

What did I do to deserve such a shitty outcome?

But then a couple of months later I got asked out to hit some batting practice followed by dinner by a guy that had been trying to date me for sometime now.

I was hesitant but told myself it was time to move on and allow myself to date.

WELL I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG!

After a short couple of weeks and me realizing he was not someone I wanted to date, we quickly went our separate ways.

I had to have a come to Jesus meeting. 

It was during that time that I realized I was in fact supposed to cross paths with those people. 

I had to see it for what it was.   

Those were not forever people.  

They were seasonal people. 

Only here to teach me a lesson. 

So, I started journaling my prayers. 

I pray every day to God, and my mom but I wanted to write them down so I could go back and look over time and see what I had once prayed for and what I had accomplished over time.

The one main thing I prayed and prayed for was happiness.

Sure, I am a happy woman, but I wanted to be genuinely happy.

Every thought, happy.

Every reaction, happy.

If something was great, happy.

But, if someone did me wrong I wanted to still be happy!!!

I needed to get better at my reactions.

At how I would cope with situations.

I have come so far over the years.

The last 5 for sure. 3 to be exact.

If you know me then you know pretty much what those timelines are in my life.

But on that day that I started my journal I told myself a few things that I would do and that is NO MORE SETTLING.

No more overlooking red flags.

No more excuses for people.

No more giving second or third chances.

No more SETTLING.

It's now been 6 months since that promise to myself and I have gone on 3 dates with 3 separate men.

I got a red flag, I walked away.
I was not interested, I walked away.
I received another red flag, I walked away.

But what's cool about it all is that I have hung out with guys, casually in group settings, with friends and so forth and still seem to keep walking away.

Sometimes them from me and me from them.

Either way, someone is walking and that's enough for me to thank God for the rejection.

You see, 6 months ago I wouldn't have been this girl.

I would have been upset.
Needed answers.
Needed closure.

Needed something to be able to let me walk away.

But what I finally realized was that if I did receive that, it's not like it made walking away any easier.

What I realized was that no matter how great of a woman I am to someone, sometimes it will never make them be great in return.

What I realized is that I don't have it in me to do onto others the shitty ways that have been done onto me.

What I realized is that I needed to start that journal to keep track of my path to happiness in order to glow through what I was going through.

I find myself in the most rewarding situations where if am not receiving the attention that I want or maybe I am being rejected, I simply smile and move on.

One of my girlfriends and I were talking about a situation a while back where a guy I liked at the time, I had been honest with him and let him know. He was honest and told me he wasn't looking to date, that we would remain friends but that he knew I wanted more and he wasn't at a place in his life to give me that. 

He asked me the next day if I was mad at him.

My response was the absolute best I had ever given someone in my entire life.

I told him I wasn't mad because he did nothing for me to be mad at. He was honest and there was nothing more than that that I could've asked for. I told him I was interested in him but that he wasn't in return and that was okay. Because if he saw me worth the time, he would take the chance but due to his position in life he didn't want to. AND THATS OKAY!! Because I knew that that was my opportunity to be ready if and when the right person who wants to take the chance on me will come along. I told him we would remain friends regardless because to me that is what matters the most.

I remember admitting to my girlfriend that a year ago, I would've never given a response like that.

I would've been a brat.

Thrown a fit. 

Been upset.

Needed closure.

BLAH FUCKING BLAH.

I'm a woman now.

I know my worth.

I know what I bring to the table.

I know I have baggage.

I know I'm worth letting someone help me unpack.

I know I'm sassy as hell.

I’m stubborn as hell too. 

I know some days I’m harder to love than others. 

And I know the amount of love that I can give too. 

I know what it means to GLOW, truly for the first time in my life

And I am glowing.

I'm happy.

With or without someone.

I have learned so much in my new perception on things....

I learned that when I am denied something... rejection is God's protection.

I learned that I cannot pray for things only when they are bad but when they are wonderful as well.

I learned to truly give my heart to God so he could lead me towards the direction I want to go.

Here’s how I know he’s working through me...

I'm about 90% sure someone I considered a friend said some unpleasant things about me to someone recently and instead of reaching out and lashing out, I prayed for her. I prayed for her because I can't imagine being in such an unhappy place in my life that I have to stop happiness from happening to others. I prayed for her because I know I can go to sleep at night happy and comfortable with how God would have wanted me to handle the situation.

Is it always that easy?

HECK NO!

But true strength is keeping quiet when someone expects you to react.

True strength is learning how and when to walk away.

I am glowing and I am growing and with that I could not be any happier with life.

My approach and its outcomes are what make me so happy.

I'm on the verge of something great.

Something amazing.

Real love.

More happiness.

A beautiful feature.

I can feel it.

And God, he's the one I can thank for that.




Until next time.

Let Him Go And Move On

"One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul." -Bridgitt Nicole





Letting go is hard.

Moving on is tricky. 

Sometimes we are forced to let go of friends, a loved one, and sometimes even family. 

So easy, right? 

We’ve all been through it at some point.

But when we have to let go do we really move on?

Some of us, yes. Some, no. 

You might go out with some friends. 

Or go on a random road trip to somewhere you have never been.

The hardest thing I've ever had to go of was what could have been.

You see, I never saw myself falling in love with him.

I never once thought I'd had feelings like I did.

It just happened.

But the day came that I realized he may have been what I wanted, but he sure as hell wasn't what I needed.

He showed me that.

If I had needed him, he wouldn't have left my side.

If I had needed him, God would've never let him leave me.

No, I just wanted him.

And with that, brought thinking that I needed him.

There were signs from the very first day.

Red flags if you will.

But I ignored them.

Like I always do.

It was easy and fun.

He made me smile.

He made me forget what it was like to hurt like I had before.

But not much longer came the sadness.

The trust issues.

The small but very apparent lies.

The reasons I should just run away.

Yet, I didn't.

I stayed.

Giving him all of the power to hurt me.

Letting him think he could get away with it.

Letting him get comfortable enough to find something better and leave me high and dry.

I kept asking myself, what is wrong with me.

What did I do?

What could I have done better?

But then I told myself, it isn’t you sister. 

It’s him. 

He never wanted you in the first place.

It was a game to him.

The thrill of accomplishing yet another woman he thought he couldn't have.

But then I realized...

Why in the hell, would would you want anyone, who doesn’t want you back.

Until next time.

How To Love The Independent Woman

You ever lay your eyes on a gorgeous woman and think to yourself, I gotta know her? 

And then you speak to her and you’re even more intrigued. Like holy crap, this girls got it going on.  

Now, I know what you’re thinking, no one ever has it all figured out. 

But for a woman who is independent, and knows pretty much where she’s headed in life, she seems to have it all figured out. 

And while most people find that that’s something they want or are interested in, in reality, it is not that easy loving an independent woman. 

You see, she became independent for a reason. 

Maybe it was a bad heartbreak she suffered through. 

Maybe she lost everything she ever had. 

Regardless of what it was, something made her become independent. 

And that’s the thing about an independent woman, they’re so hard to love sometimes. 

But if you’re willing to take the time to get past those walls she’s built, I can promise you, it’ll so be worth it. 

You see, the independent woman doesn’t need you. 

Or so it’ll appear that way. 

She will want you. 

If she chose you, believe me, consider yourself special because she doesn’t just choose anyone. 

But she doesn’t need anyone. 

She knows what life is like all alone. 

Her walls are up. 

Her guard is even stronger. 

Her emotions are wild. 

But her love, it runs so deep. 

She’s seen pain like no one else has seen it. 

She’s felt lonelier than anyone ever has. 

But she did it because she knew, pain was something she didn’t want to feel forever. 

She knew moving on with life was where she belonged. 

She knew that at the right time, in the right place, someone special would come along. 

And by now you’re thinking, damn, this is a lot of work to put in. 

And that’s okay too. 

If you think that, then she’s not for you. 

But if you’re not thinking that... boy do you have a surprise in store for you. 

Take the time, break down her wall. 

Talk to her guard, soften it up. 

Because believe me, when she shows you she wants and needs you, the love you will receive will be unmatched to any you’ve ever seen. 

So by now you’re asking yourself, how do I love the independent woman....

You saddle the hell up. That’s what you do. 

You put your spurs on and hold on for the wild ride. 

Because it won’t be easy. 

She will question you. Remember she’s been hurt. 

She will try to walk away. Go after her. 

She will act like she’s not phased by you. She truly is. 

But then, she will talk to you about what hurt her. 

LISTEN! 

She might even cry. 

WIPE HER TEARS!

But then, when you least expect it, she will start to trust. 

She will be so soft. 

She will even be gentle. 

She will snuggle into your side and let out that big “I’m home” type of sigh. 

She will laugh with you. 

She will talk to you for hours. 

She will be so comfortable around you, it’ll feel like you’ve known her forever. 

And then, now and only here on out, she will include you in her future. 

All those plans she’s made, you’ve become apart of them. 

All those goals she’s written down, you’re in them. 

You are apart of her. 

Now listen when I say this last thing....

Don’t fuck it up. 

Until next time...

Don’t Look Back You’re Not Going That Way

With my 30th birthday quickly approaching(7 days to be exact from when I am writing this) there’s so much on my mind these days.

Every year around this time I always like to reflect.

Take a look at where I've been.

What all I made it through.

But this birthday is a big one.

I love birthdays. Especially my own.

I think it's cool to see people change throughout the years.

So I can't help but think about how much has happened, all that’s changed, the good and the bad of the last 10 years of my life.

10 years ago I was 19, almost 20. 

I was playing softball in college, it was my second semester, fall of 2008. 

I was dating a guy for about a year at this point, he was the first person to ever take me fishing. I caught my first fish, a nice little yellow cat out of the Brazos river. 

A couple of years later when I was 23 I found myself single, and attending school at Sam Houston State University where I changed my major to something I knew nothing about, Agriculture. 

I later met my ex husband Blake, who I can remember being so shy, I kept thinking, is he ever going to kiss me! 

We played a ton of softball together. 

Like literally there was one time we were at the fields 4 nights a week then playing tournaments on the weekends.

After a few years we went on to get engaged.

Shortly after my entire world changed when some things happened with my dad and my mom died 40 days after that.

It didn't quite hit me at the time, I was sort of numb to it all.

It was about 2 months after that it hit me my mom was never coming back.

I would never hear her voice again or get to hold her hand.

Even worse, she wouldn't get to walk me down the isle with my dad and be there the day I finally have kids.

It's something that still bothers me today.

But then I got Chico.

He was the light I so badly needed in my life.

He gave me kisses and would let me just hug him for hours until the tears passed.

I found myself wanting to go outside more and play fetch with him.

I found myself wanting to hang out with people again.

At 27 years old, I ended up purchasing my first home and took ownership of another.

And Blake and I did end up getting married.

Unfortunately that was short lived.

My heart had forever changed, maybe a part of me would always envy him because he would never know how I felt. But a part of me also change. There was a shift in who I was and what I wanted to become. It was one of those cliche "life is short" things but with me it legit happened and I wanted to see what all life had to offer.

I was alone.

Very alone.

I traveled.

I met new people.

Saw new places.

When I was 28 I met another lost soul looking for himself. We dated on and off, nothing serious but we definitely understood what it was like to have lost someone so close to us.

28 was my BEST YEAR.

I did whatever I wanted.

I've always been one of those girls who does what she wants, makes her own decisions, says what she feels and so forth. It is white or black with me. No gray area. You will always know where I stand.

But 28 was good.

I made new friends.

Lost others.

Hell I even moved to a big city for a whole month. (that's another story)

But then came 29.

That shit was rough

I moved, again.

I was lonelier than ever.

Constantly searching for my place in life.

The BEST DAMN THING I COULD'VE EVER DONE WAS MY CAREER CHANGE.

I cannot say it enough, I love my job.

Earlier this year I went in search of some me time.

I needed a break from life.

And anytime I need to clear my head and really listen to my thoughts, I go to the ocean.

That's my place.

That is where I feel completely at ease.

The calming of the waves. The smell of the salty water.

So I went to the ocean.

But this time I went fishing. 

And boy have I fished. 

To catching my first king fish in Corpus, to almost landing a 150 pound tarpon in Port Isabel, to catching reds in Matagorda Bay.... what a fun ending to summer it was. And better yet a fun ending to my twenties. 

As I look back on the last decade of my life I can’t help but be excited for what's to come.

Somewhere along the way I lost myself. 

Bad.

I lost friends I thought would always be in my life.

I fell in love with a man who didn't love me back.

I lost my dad in one way.

And my mom to heaven.

But I also found an even better me. 

I fell in love with this ridiculous EDM band called the Chainsmokers and literally dance my butt off in the car when I’m driving listening to them. 

I fell in love with a fury animal that has four legs. 

But most importantly I fell in love with myself.

DEAR GOD I FELL IN LOVE WITH MYSELF.

If you know me then you know I love me, right?

But I mean it.

No one will ever love me the way I love me.

No one was there to pick me up when I was down.

No one was there to feel exactly what I felt but me.

I picked up the pieces.

I put me back together.

I moved and moved, again.

I did it and DAMN DOES IT FEEL GOOD!!

I learned a lot in this last decade.

I learned that no matter how good of a person you are, some people will always just be shitty, BE KIND ANYWAY!

I learned that if you work hard, the reward is that much sweeter.

I learned that dogs will ALWAYS love you unconditionally no matter how hard you spank them or how long you leave them home alone.

I learned that no matter what I have been through, no matter how good and how bad, it will always be apart of me, but that I don't have to let it define me.

Yes, it is apart of me, and yes, it did shape me into who I am, but I know that chapter of my life is closing.

No, not the entire book, because I am still here, but the chapter, YES!

And guess what..

This next chapter is going to be EPIC!!!!



Stay Tuned.
Until Next Time...

Self Love is the Best Kind of Love

I’ve had a lot of people reaching out to me in the last few months on my blogs and why I haven’t written anything in a while. 

To be honest I’ve been extremely busy and the second I took some free time I made an effort to do something I enjoy which is the beach so I went fishing. 

But after having a friend reach out to me recently wanting to post something on my blog and just never got around to it, figured it was time to put something together. 

However, as always there’s always something on my mind, something on my heart and something I need to say (imagine that). 

I’ve seen a lot of friends struggling lately, maybe it’s the time of year, we are all going through something inside, transitioning, but something that needs to be reminded is to LOVE YOURSELF. 

You cannot love someone or something if you do not love yourself. 

I will repeat that...

YOU CANNOT LOVE SOMEONE OR SOMETHING IF YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF!!!! 

Self love is hard. 

It’s raw. 

It’s honest.

It’s lonely. 

It’s vulnerable. 

It’s truly finding who you are and what truly makes you happy. 

We have somehow gotten so mixed up in social media and what everyone else thinks of us. 

How many likes we have or how many people viewed our latest snap story. 

We are so wrapped up in seeking validation from others that we are not focusing on ourselves and that is the furthest thing away from self love.  

Because at the end of the day, when you’re left with no one and you’re all alone, who is going to be there to make you happy? Yourself, that’s who!

Love yourself. 

Do what you love. 

Make yourself happy.

& Follow your heart. 

So I will leave you with something that really speaks volumes to me...

“You will always be “too much” of something for someone. Too big. Too loud. To soft. To wild. To happy. Etc. If you continue to round yourself out for others you’ll only lose that edge that makes you so special. Apologize for your mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone. But never apologize for being too you.” 

Until next time...

Catfishing in College Station, Tx

Have you ever heard of the tv show called Catfish.

A man who was catfished started the show. 

For those of you who don’t know what “catfishing” is, Wikipedia says that "Catfishing is a type of deceptive activity where a person creates a sock puppet social networking presence, or fake identity on a social network account, for nefarious purposes."

Now I’m sure some of you have felt “catfished” before by someone you may know... and maybe in a way we all have when we find out that someone we know turned out to be a different person than that portrayed themselves to be... but this is SO MUCH MORE than that....

& Here’s how...

Someone I know, very close to me just got to the bottom of her "Catfish."

A girl by the name of Rachel Elyzabeth Marler was pretending to be a guy named Deven Black(whose Facebook is no longer available, but as you can see in the pitcure... it once was.

Now in case you didn't know you can basically google ANYTHING on the inter webs.

If you've never googled yourself now is the time.

I literally google everyone I know, meet, etc.

You can find everything you need to know about someone on google.

Anyway...

When my friend was talking to this guy she met on a social media app called Tinder, she told me about him and everything was cool. Last I heard about that website you can link it to your Facebook and I didn't even think about someone creating a "fake Facebook"... because who does that?

Rachel does.

Well, they started talking on the phone. Small talk, hows everything going...and Rachel(Deven)... sounded like a guy.

Countless of nights we'd go out and drunk dial Deven(Rachel).

Well one night my friend got a phone call from jail. It was Rachel.

So then began the questions.

Well, like I said you can find anything on in the inter webs and I found the following Deven Black on google.

So, like I said....then began the questions.

Not only did we question her but we (and I mean we because we have our friend's back) thoroughly questioned her.

So after some serious searching from another friend of ours... we then found out the photos she/he was using on their brand new Twitter and Facebook they had now created...were all fake. They turned out to be someone who is in the rodeo circuit in the BCS area. Because that was his thing... he is a Bronc rider.

So fast forward a few more months....and everyone basically saying when is this guy actually going to show his face. Countless of times he had made plans to come out to meet my friend but each time, something would "come up" and he wouldn't show.

What became interesting was Deven portrayed to be BEST FRIENDS with Rachel Marler and sent her to meet because he said I want to make sure she is who she says she is.

So Rachel/Deven, went to a Rodeo to meet with my friends and then on another occasion to her work.

But all of this time we kept thinking... Deven must be real because he has a snapchat and would post videos and pictures of himself(never quite directly of his face) and of things he was doing with the location filtered at the bottom.

Today I learned you can PAY to change your location and geofilter....

The trouble people will go through to maintain their lies...

Well, the most recent questions came from pictures being sent to my friend that she in returned found out were of a young man that recently passed away in a horrible car accident.

That was the line being drawn.

After speaking to the reality tv show on Catflish... my friend and I were giving all of the details so they could investigate and do the show because at this point my friend just wanted to get answers on who the person really was....

And Rachel/Deven agreed to meet with my friend last night and admit everything.

Here's the video she posted of herself last night admitting it all.

Now, let me make this VERY CLEAR... this post is not to harass her, embarrass her, or get her the attention she clearly doesn't deserve.... it is a warning for others that may be getting Catfished from someone from "Bakersfield, California, that moved to Stephenville and Cowboy as they come, two stepping extraordinaire".... then you might want to second guess yourself because it could be Rachel.

Someone please help her.

We have contacted her, her parents and even a former friend from her sorority at Texas A&M University.

Which brings us another concern... she is a student at A&M, and wears their Aggie ring proudly(as most students/former students do)... but what I can't help but wonder is how she is a student (reenrolling after a semester off) but doesn't honor the Aggie Code. Which those of you who aren't familiar with it... the code is "An Aggie does not lie, cheat or steal or tolerate those who do. The Aggie Code of Honor is an effort to unify the aims of all Texas A&M men and women toward a high code of ethics and personal dignity."

Now, I am not a former student of Texas A&M but I live in this town and have many friends who are very passionate about their school and honor code... and I will say this... if I was a student and found out one of my former classmates was doing something of this sort... I would do what I needed to do to help her get the help she needs and deserves.

Enough is enough..

Before she hurts herself... or worse.... someone else. 

The Only New Year Resolution You Should Have Made

Tomorrow is January 15th.

Halfway through the month of a brand new year. 

Looking back on 2017 it was a tough year for many of us. 

A while back I wrote this blog about people who start talking about doing this or that for the new year. 

I even see lists go up on people’s status’ and it gets rather annoying seeing the people I know taking about this change or that change when in just a few weeks they’re still the same old person they’ve always been, no new goals, no new change.

But I made one resolution and it’s the best one I could’ve ever made.

For 2018 I promised myself that ANYTHING or ANYONE that brought me unhappiness, sadness, ruined my day, put a damper on plans, or simply was a burden to my life... your ass got left in 2017! 

That goes for people, places, jobs, things whatever in the heck has come into my life that simply didn’t make sense, pissed me off, played with my emotions, screwed me over or plain was such a sucky thing.... you’re gone. 

I made a social media cleanse of people I know don’t care to ever speak to me in person but sure do love following my whereabouts. I deleted numbers in my phone and even blocked a name or two. 

Because while I was heartbroken over people, places and things that brought my unhappiness... I got told something one day that hit me really hard. A friend told me to let people go. Let them go! Because God is talking you to places that they no longer belong in your life and when those people start coming back around he wants you to know you’re better off because he’s already shown you who they are! 

So I’m inviting you now that if you haven’t made a new year resolution or if maybe your year hasn’t started off the way you wanted... make the cleanse. Make 2018 only be about people and places that bring you nothing but happiness. 

Because you deserve it. 

Until next time...

Don't Start With The New Year, New Me BS!

Well, the posts have already started.

Kill me.

Now don't get me wrong, I think a lot of us can agree 2017 was a tough one.

And a lot of us are ready to see it go.

2018 will be much better.

BUT, that doesn't mean go off and start setting a list of "New Year Resolutions"...

Because the way that I see it, every day is a new day for a new beginning.

So why not start now?

Why not start when the thought crosses your mind that today will be the day you make a change?

You see, 2014 was a very TOUGH year for me. 2015 was better. 2016 again, tough, but so much amazingness happened, and 2017 has been a year of so much growth and just going with the wind.

But looking back I see how much I've grown each year.

That's one thing I love to do the day before my birthday. I like to reflect on how much I have grown since the last birthday.

But, I will say something that I have changed about myself this year is just going with the flow.

Wherever the wind blows me...that's where I'm headed.

Just chasing my dreams and really focusing on what I want.

But I had a friend say something that really hit home.... he said just as long as you're blowing with the wind and not against it.

That speaks volumes because often times I think as things happen instead of just letting them happen we try and stop them or alter their route, rather than just letting it happen.

So I have a New Years Resolution for you....

Don't make any.

Start today.

Go with the flow.

Notice the change that needs to be made, and make it.

Don't wait until tomorrow.

Start now.

And I promise you, your days to come will be better than you've ever imagined them to be.





Until next time....

Trusting Someone

Trust. 

Those 5 letters make me want to vomit sometimes.

How we give them to someone and they break it.

Relationships, friends, family.... so easily broken.

I can remember as a little girl the first time I felt deceived by my best friend. She had told one of the boys we grew up with something I asked her not to. Something that never really happened with us but we were going through changes in our life. We went from being one of the boys to actually liking them. So, naturally things changed, and our lines of what secrets should be kept and shouldn't had also.

That stung a little. 

I can remember when I was 17 and being so in love with this guy I was dating. Everything was perfect, we spent tons of time together, went on dates and riding around in his truck. Until one day he started acting weird, he told me he would be at my house at a certain time and he never showed. I ended up running into him at a local store, a girl sitting in his truck with him.

That one stung a little more.

I've lost trust from friendships and relationships plenty of times...

When someone betrays your trust... let it hurt... then let it go. 

Forgive them. 

Release that negative energy so you don't harbor a root of resentment in your heart.

Sometimes it takes being the bigger person to be compassionate.

Put yourself in their shoes.... what caused them to betray your trust.

What are they going through that doesn't make them see clearly that definition of trust between you two.

Everyone has freedom of choice.

Whether they choose to keep your trust, or throw it away, that's okay.

At the end of the day you know your worth, and you're worth it.

And someone out there will admire that.

They will not break your trust.

Just remember not to give it out too easily.

Not everyone deserves it.

And don't worry about all what you're wanting someone to trust...

We’ve all got baggage.... just have to find the one who’s willing to help us unpack. 

Only you know deep in your heart who deserves your trust.

Until next time....

Always Choose Happiness

As a writer I constantly have a lot on my mind. 


Things I want to write about.

Things I probably should write about.

Things I need to write about to submit to get more blogs published.

But here lately I really haven’t been writing a lot.

To be honest I’ve really just been focusing on my self.

I spend a lot of time alone, in the car on the way to work or anywhere, at home, alone.... so it's inevitable that I just think

If I have done any writing it’s in my book and gosh I want so badly to get that book finished and published.

My goal was this year but due to finances and moving and focusing on me, I’ve put it off.

But it stays on my mind constantly.

I call my sister daily and we laugh about how the book is and SHOULD play out.

I can’t really go into detail but if you heard us, you’d laugh.




Moving to San Antonio I was scared.

My first week here I thought real hard about my job and if it’s something I really even want to do.

I thought about just going home and moving back into my house and “settling” somewhere I don’t want to be.

I thought I don’t really belong here seeing as I know literally 2 people in this town.

But then I thought to myself, “no you need this, Lisset.”

I thought to myself that home didn’t really feel like home anymore and that at the end of the day home is what you make it.

Now I’m living in an apartment with roommates and I don’t have even a 1/4 of my things not to mention my CLOTHES, I don’t have even 1/16th of my clothes.  I’m sad I don’t have my girly decor, I’m sad I don’t have freaking Christmas decorations, but at the end of the day I have a nice place for now, I go to work all day, come home and work more and then sleep.

I have a different mindset being self employed now. The word HUSTLE is embedded in me. I think it always has been but it really is more than ever now.

And all while I’m learning a new city, learning a new line of work, and still trying to sell my house back “home”..... through it all I still choose happiness.

When things around keep trying to show the negative.... I still decide happiness.

It's not always easy... but it's the better way.

Through this entire process I’ve been learning so much about myself.

I think we are always a work in progress and we should always take the time to focus on ourselves and learn new things, I have the opportunity to really learn and focus and decide what I truly want and don’t want.

And one thing I don’t want is unhappiness.

So while I’m in a new city, alone, at a new job, which some weeks can be very frustrating, in a brand new home that isn’t mine and dealing with the hell of a nightmare “for sale by owner” has been for me, I STILL choose happiness.

Because why let the negativity of things bring you down.

Why let you things you have no control over take your happiness.

And it’s crazy because 6 months ago I would've been throwing a fit. Hell even 2 months ago I would've let the negative overcome me. But nope. I have a support system that I call, vent about it and then let it go. If there's nothing I can do about it then why be mad about it. And if there is something I can do about it then I will still choose to be happy. Because at the end of the day there's so many more things to be unhappy about and why let the little things bring you down.

This move has had so much change in my life, and while the last couple of weeks have been nothing short of amazing and me finding out so much about myself I’m seeing so many beautiful things. 

This past weekend I got to watch my very best friend shoot a buck. Not her first but a nice trophy for sure and all while getting to shoot the shit, drink some cold ones and get some more meat to add to the freezer. 

To say it’s an adrenaline rush is an understatement. 

I’ve never shot a deer because the one buck I had in my cross hairs I let it go, but the adrenaline to be in the stand with my best friend and to watch her take it down was unexplainable. 

I’d replay that afternoon any day of the week. 

Then I went hiking, fishing on the Guadalupe River in Guadalupe State Park. Talk about some breathtaking views. 

I think this view on life has always been embedded in me, I just had to peel back some layers to truly get the full outlook on it. 

A good friend told me this recently and this is enough to keep me going... “I see a big and bright future for you ahead. You have what it takes. You have the desire in your heart. And most of all, you have God covering all the bases for you. He wants what’s truly best for you. I promise. But you have to be patient. And not settle. Enjoy this time and learn the lessons He wants you to see and grow from.”

Until next time.....

Adjusting To "Different" City Life

Hey everyone.

I had to take a much needed break from social media, and posting because it was getting a bit excessive but, I wanted to take some time to write down some thoughts and share some new experiences that I've had while living in a "different" city.

So about 3 months ago I wrote a blog about me adjusting to city life.

That was about my short stay while living in Houston, living with my sister, her husband and two crazy kids and just adjusting to a much bigger city than where I am from.

Although short lived, I have learned more than anyone that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

And that short experience brought me to the wonderful world of San Antonio.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up here.

The area, yes, because I love the Hill Country and honestly Austin, has always been my main goal, but maybe I am falling in love with San Antonio.

Or really I think I am just falling more in love with myself and all that I've accomplished, and even better... where I am going to end up, wherever that may be.

My life got a little hectic for a minute there, we won't go into all the details but let's just say, I tried something it didn't work, I tried something else, I wasn't happy, so here I am, took a crazy crazy chance, and here I am in a new city, in a totally different career field, out here on the grind.

But I am loving my new found career, my never ending drive to refuse to fail at something, and just taking it all in of a new city.

I have only been here a few weeks and I feel like I am already starting to get used to where things are.

I can't lie, I was scared shitless moving here.

A place I had been to only a handful of times before moving here.

But sometimes we are placed in front of amazing opportunities and we can either run from it because it's something so brand new, or we can embrace it, take a chance, and go for it.

I don't miss College Station, I miss the familiarity of things, where everything is, how quick it takes me to get to Target and Rue 21.

Which by the way I haven't seen a Rue 21 here yet but let me tell you, if there isn't one close to me I think I am going to be heartbroken!

Upon making my decision to move here, I can't lie... a huge reason was music.

I want to see as much live music as my little heart will let me.

I like to call myself a "professional concert goer''.

One thing about leaving home was to try new things, to change things I've been wanting to change, and really focus on myself and what I want.

One big thing I was tired of was always ending up at a bar somewhere until 2 am.

The thing about Houston was that I would go have happy hour drinks after work, and be home by 8-9pm.

I like that.

I'm 29 and there's really no reason to be out until 2 am every night.

But I love live music and the cool thing about places out here is you can go out to a concert, have a good time and be home well before midnight.

See, there's nothing wrong with that.. it's called adulting.

Also, the food.

I haven't even begun to try all the amazing food there is to be had but boy am I excited.

Uber eats might be the best thing since Uber, and let me tell you, last night I tried a Chinese place I won't be trying again because I wasn't a fan of their fried rice. haha.

And then there's the scenery.

Have you SEEN the sunsets out west?

HOLY CRAP?

I told someone I was from Bryan, Tx and they said oh that's East, Tx.

HAHA, not even close.

And this isn't really West, Tx but let me tell you, it's West for me and gosh, it is gorgeous out here.

But all in all, as scared as I was moving here, as very few people that I know here, I don't miss home. I miss familiarity, and I think that's natural because it's something we are so used to.

But sometimes we have to fully let go of something we held on to for so long to allow something so great right in front of us have their chance.

I remember being in Katy, missing home, wanting to go back, feeling like I left my heart there, because in a way, I did.... but now that I am out here, it's quiet, I don't know where shit is... weirdly enough, I don't miss home.

I love coming home after a long day and just watching tv, cleaning and just kind of letting it all soak in. I drive around and get familiar of where things are too. I just need to find me some sushi, and some good tacos and I think I will be good. And there's a concert I want to go to in two weeks that I need to make a friend or two fso I don't have to go alone. Haha.

But this move is good.

My heart needed this.

Life has a crazy way of leading us to places we never thought we'd end up.

Anyway, when I was in Houston I got a membership to a gym there that isn't too far up the road here... so I am about to go see what that's about.

And even though I am not/will not be posting as much as I was, stay tuned for my book, still hoping to have it released by Christmas!

Until next time friends....

Almost "Single" Again

Yesterday I got the news that in 12 days I go to court to finalize my divorce.

12. DAYS!!

12 FUCKING DAYS!!!!

Can you tell how excited I am?

I will officially be a Herrera again!

While divorce is never easy, still this is something I have wanted so badly since we split a year and half ago.

I know that he wanted to work things out but I kept telling myself, it's going to take a lot to get me there.... but once I am done, I am done. And when I asked him to leave, I knew in my heart I would never look back.

And I meant it.

I moved on.

I dated someone for a year who was amazing, we had a blast together but eventually you realize you're just not on the same page about things and you move on.

For most of this year I have been single. I have truly been alone.

I went to work, came home and sat here, ALONE.

Just listened to Chico bark.

Everyone thinks they can be lonely... but lonely isn't easy.

I remember the day I asked Blake to leave, he got some of his things and he left for a week. A week later he came back and got the rest of his things and boy did we fight. We said things that we knew each one of us could truly hurt the other person with.

After that day, I told myself to never be that way again.

Relationships are hard.

Marriage is hard.

REAL FUCKING HARD.

It's work. It's seeing someone so vulnerable it's like their heart is outside of their chest allowing you to just throw it on the ground. It's watching someone sick and throw up all hours of the night from a stomach bug. It's watching that person bury their mother and watching them slip into a deep depression afterward and doing all the silly and crazy things you have to in order to cheer them up. It's late night dinners, early morning trips to the deer stand or softball field. It's a lot.

Those are things that I didn't have in my marriage. They are things I wished I had, but I did not.

Blake and I were different. Friends yes, but in love.... at one time, yes I remember loving him.

I remember one time Blake asked me why I started blogging. I told him because I like to talk, and writing is me putting the words in my heart down on paper. I remember telling him I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't genuinely tell him how I am feeling without an argument or judgement being thrown.

It's like right now, I write because the person I want to talk to isn't here for me to talk to anymore. I am alone. So I write the thoughts in my heart down on paper. You'd laugh at the unpublished blogs I currently have of jumbled up thoughts.

But in 12 days I get my life back.

I get being able to meet someone and sincerely say “Hi, I am "Lisset Herrera" and not think about my last name still being polish on my license.

I get to start a new book to write.

While I appreciate the last 6 years of my life with Blake, I also know so many things I could've done differently. I know in my heart that if I had had the strength to push the wedding back, or call it off, I wouldn't have gotten married. And that's nothing against Blake, it's what I went through in life, and I changed. I think I always knew I had the dreams to travel, to leave this town, to move on and see the world, but instead when I went through some tragic events I looked to fill a void and do things I thought I was "supposed" to do like get married, buy a house.... but when everything settled... I realized I wasn't happy. We fought, we were never together, we stopped eating dinner together, he sat outside while I was inside. I remember crying in bed and just wishing I had someone to hold me and I asked him to come inside and hold me and he did but he was annoyed. I remember feeling so alone. I resented him because he didn't know deep in my heart how I felt losing my mom and dad and then to feel like I was losing him.

But here's the deal about Blake, although we've had our issues and have said hurtful things, I still cannot seem to hate him. I love him but I need to let him go for good. I wish I knew a girl as awesome as myself, maybe a little more reserved, and a not as loud and someone who wants to live here forever, I would SO HOOK HIM UP. I know that sounds crazy but I want him so badly to be happy. Blake is sweet. Genuine. Doesn't yell much unless I've pushed him to that point or it’s a tied softball game, then he can be a little loud, lol. He is going to meet an awesome woman one day who is going to make him forget why he was ever sad over me.

Now as for me... I get to move on. I get to say goodbye to this town and see what the world has to offer. One day I am going to meet someone and get to go on a date with them and I won't have to explain that I need to get a divorce first. I get to go on trips and have HERRERA as my boarding pass again. I get to fall in love without any hesitations holding me back. Because if there's one thing I know I want is to be someone's love again. I always say I miss that because even though it was short lived, I miss having that someone, my person, that security, the one person you can tell anything and everything to, the one person you're completely comfortable with, the one person who calls you on your shit. I miss that. And it's out there, waiting for me. Whether I may have already met him, or he is still to be seen, he's there... and one day, maybe not next year, or the year after that... but one day... I will be a wife again, and this time... I'm not going anywhere.

So, I will end this on a quote I found the other day and it couldn't describe me anymore perfectly...

"She's got a story to write, and it looks nothing like her past."

Until next time...

Courage, Vulnerability, and Missing Your "Person"

I feel like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed with what I am writing about.

But I'm not writing this to get HIS attention...

Or maybe I am.

But I am writing because, like always, it soothes me.

I just can't help but want to write about how strong I have been even when I don't exactly feel it.

A week ago today, I made myself so vulnerable.

Ugh, it still hurts being vulnerable and not getting any response in return.

That's right? I put myself out there with HIM and he didn't say a word back to me.

SUCKS RIGHT?

Yes and no.

To be honest I don't blame him.

You see, a few months ago I was introduced to a man by a mutual friend of ours.

Something about being apart of my life is that you will probably at some point be written about in my blog or book.

I never use names unless I ask them for attention because otherwise this snippet of my life can still easily be understood without any names.

So this pertains to my life and something I need to get off my chest!

Anyway, we were introduced, we chatted at hours on end, met face to face and had a crazy good connection.

Well due to unforeseen circumstances, the "timing" was just off.

I was upset at the thought of not having him by my side as I so happily had the last few months but steadily the last few weeks and I told him how I felt about HIM.

When you get my age (28) you just kind of know when something is worth your time and when it isn't.

This is definitely something I wanted to spend more time getting know.

So I put myself out there, put myself on the line, told my true feelings, something he knows is no easy task for me...and NOTHING!!

Ugh, nothing!

Talk about HEARTBREAK.

Like I said, I (kind of) can't blame him.

It's just that maybe in that moment he didn't want to say anything to hurt me or to make a situation something it should be.

I don't know.

But what I do know is that that made me stronger.

I am proud of myself.

I put myself out here.

That took courage.

I am now stronger because of it.

Since then I have stepped out of a few other comfort zones of mine.

1 big one including my home.

1 also including my job.

I took this courage and channeled it into my life, and I am chasing my dream, which is to just go where the wind blows.

I am excited to see what the future has for me all because I had the courage to be vulnerable.

But if you're out there, reading this, just know I don't regret being vulnerable with you. That took a lot of courage. And courage is something I am very fond of these days since that night I so bravely put my feelings on the line for you. And also since since then I have been more courageous than I have been in a while and followed my dreams and closed a book of my life that has been needing to be closed.  So for that I thank you.

And miss you.

You became my "person."

Whether you realized it or not.

I know that now matter what, everything happens for a reason.

You came into my life, left your mark, and for that I am forever thankful.

So if you're out there reading this, which I'm sure you aren't.... don't let something that is important to "ME", pass you by. You should know what I mean. What's meant to be, will always find a way.

Now that.... that took courage!

Until next time!!

That Thing Called Timing

....It's a son of a bitch!

I have so much on my mind writing this blog and since writing is my scapegoat I figured I would jot my thoughts down and it turned into this.....

There's this thing called timing that has been SO OFF in my life lately.

So what do I do....write about it.

Can you please get it together life?

You see, about 3 months ago I made the decision to move to a bigger city and pursue bigger dreams. I  took a job I was super excited about. I got there. I embraced a much bigger city and I loved so much about it. The only problem...the timing was all off.

Turns out the job wasn't exactly what I wanted as I was promised some things that were kind of non existent. So as I realized as my training days were coming to an end I really didn't have a job for me anymore.

Bummer.

Right?

Ugh, Yes!

Well, I applied all over Houston for about a week and got no bites.

So I did what I knew which was to come home.

Luckily I hadn't sold my house back home yet, so to home I came.

So I put some feelers out about a job and within a day I had 4 interviews lined up. Two in which I wanted, the other two just as backups so to speak.

I ended up getting multiple offers on a few of the jobs. Which honestly was to no surprise because I am a damn hard worker. I can get put into any new situation and I will bust my butt to learn.

Not that I have a choice to. My job feeds me and at the end of the day I don't have a husband or significant other to come home to that will pay my bills and make sure I am fed. Just two dogs who love me. Failure is not an option.

So I accepted a position that I was very familiar with but had never done it before. I knew with just the right amount of training I will succeed at it.

So we will see.

So what does that mean for me??

It just means I wasn't meant to be in Houston just yet?

Does it mean I am meant to be back in Bryan?

For now, YES!

Forever?? Absolutely not!


Trust me when I say I am already looking for my next move. I got a feel of a bigger city and I want more.

You see, to be honest with you I feel that I am not being put up to my full potential here.

Houston really brought out a side in me I never knew I had.

Now don't get me wrong I am a pretty strong person on most days.

Lately, not so much.

Today, definitely not.

But that will change tomorrow when I wake up.

It has to.

For instance, living in Bryan I always have a lunch date or I go home and see my puppies or take a nap or something of that sort.

But in Houston, I would go eat lunch by myself.

Something I NEVER did.

See, strength!!!

And weirdly enough, I loved it.

It's like it gave me some peace and quiet from the craziness of work.

Last weekend I went to San Antonio for a night and while there I was at The Riverwalk Mall by myself.

As much as being in a bigger city scares me and definitely one I have only been to a handful of times was definitely a little intimidating, there's something about taking in a big city that just kind of excites you. You get to see the traffic, people watch and just kind of soak it all in.

After shopping I decided to stop at Margaritaville and grab a drink.

Naturally I sat at the bar top. Something I started doing a few months ago when I went to Vegas and realized how many interesting people you can meet at a bar top by themselves, enjoying some peace and quiet, same as me, taking it all in.

In return, I met some very interesting people.

The bartender was a complete sweetheart yet gorgeous and awesome personality. I am sure she kills it on tips. The guy next to me told me where he's from, currently living and the places he's been all over the world. It was an interesting good time, that's for sure.

So if I had never lived in Houston I would've never done something like meet random strangers at restaurants....

But it's crazy because even though Houston didn't work out, I got something from it....

More courage than I had yesterday.

And for that I am thankful.

Having courage sometimes is TOUGH.

Like tough on so many levels.

Last night I worked up the courage to send a message I normally would NEVER send.

I sucked up my feelings, wrote them out, made myself vulnerable(eww, that word) and worked up the courage to send the text.

Did it make a difference?

Honestly, no.

No in the sense that he didn't respond.

BUT, It did make a difference to me.

In that very moment I had courage.

Courage I wouldn't have had months ago.

Hell, maybe not even a few weeks ago.

Who knows.

But that thing called timing... it's a bitch.

I can honestly say that in the last three years I have learned so much about myself and gained so much from timing.

It's good, it's bad, it's sad, it's happy and glad.

It's so many different fucking things that right now, I hate timing.

I legit hate it.

Because right now, something I so badly want, the timing is all off.

But I love what it's done to me in the past.

I can only hope one day I will love what it's doing to me right now...

So what do I do.

I don't do anything.

I chalk it up as timing, you fucking suck, and I keep on trucking...

I have to.

For about the last 6 months but definitely last two months timing has been the worst. I have done nothing but be a good person, work my ass off, try to achieve goals, get rid of things in my past that continuously try and bring me down, do things I love, see new places and step out of my comfort zone...and despite ALL OF THAT.... I keep getting knocked down. Don't get me wrong.. I always get back up. But DAMN, it would be nice to be up and going for a while because this continuously getting knocked back down is getting old.

I supposed it just has to do with timing, where I am at, where I want to go and where I want to be.

So I am going to end this with something  I came across today... and it's keeping me inspired...

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage are't always comfortable but they are never weakness."

Until next time....

Strength and Hurricanes

Strength. 

It comes in different forms. 

Way of life, waves(literally from Hurricane Harvey),faith, and just plain mindset. 

If you keep your mindset where you want it to be, if you're not there, you'll get there. 

Only you have the power over that.  

Recently, I got so down on myself. 

It was the anniversary of my mom's death. I feel like from August 1st until the day she died (August 19th) there's a black cloud hanging over me.  

It's aweful. 

It's a constant reminder of what I lost. 

11 of the other months of the year I allow it to remind me of what I gained. 

Never in a million years would I see my mom's death in gaining something in return. 

But this one month I just let it sink in, throw myself a pitty party, and then I have to move on. 

You see, life can be a hurricane sometimes. 

I mean that literally because we are currently in the middle of one. 

Or mentally because sometimes things just start flying everywhere and you don't know how to cope.

Or sometimes unexpected life events happen that we have no control over but we just have to keep on pushing forward. 

With the losing of my mom I realized how strong of a person I really was. 

I started doing things I never did. 

I left my comfort zone. 

I made new friends. 

I dated the wrong guy. 

I cut friends out. 

I lost love. 

I found new love in myself. 

I took a different job. 

I moved to the city. 

I did things I never thought I would. 

Sometimes I think if my mom was still here I'd still be doing a lot of the same of what I did before. 

Still with the same man, same friends, same job. 

Same, same, same. 

But losing her made me realize so much. 

The main thing it did was make me realize how short life is and that it's meant to be LIVED. 

So I make it my life goal to do that. 

Live it how I want it to be lived. 

Take the trip. 

Date the guy. 

Make the new friend. 

Buy the expensive purse. 

Cut all your hair off. 

Take the job. 

All things I was sooooo scared to do before I lost my mom. 

And all things that made me realize how strong I truly am. 

Yes, I took some unexpected trips. Gosh, they had some amazing views. 

Yes I dated the guy. Probably not the right guy but it was right when it was right and I learned so much about myself during that. 

I made new friends. Who introduced me to their friends and so on and so on. Now I just have a bigger family. 

I bought myself something nice and expensive that I would've spent that money on before. Because I wanted it and dammit I deserved it. 

I cut my hair off. 13 inches to be exact. I just decided I wanted a change. A hair midlife crisis. I loved it. But long hair is just my thing. 

But the one thing I did that showed strength was taking the new job. 

Never in a million years did I see myself working in healthcare and with people who have Alzheimer's at that. 

I had never been affected by it so I didn't know what it was like. 

And boy did it change my heart. 

I fell in love with so many residents and their families. 

It's what I needed in my life. And in my heart. 

So tomorrow, I'll be starting my new position as a Patient Care Liaison for a Hospice Company, and I'm excited. 

Yes hospice is hard. 

Yes it's providing end of life care. 

But families need it. 

They need people like me who are there to help. 

Because I've been there on that other end, needing someone's help and guidance as my mom entered the last stages of her life. 

So it's my turn to be that person. 

The strong one. 

Because of the strength I've gained... from my mom. 

I'm exxited for this opportunity. 

It's what I feel I was made for.

This is my purpose. 

And that thing called life, it's so valuable...

And boy am I living it. 

Until next time. 

Dealing With Heartache

Heartache comes in so many forms. 

The loss of a parent, friends, or even a significant other. 

Those 3 things happened all at once for me. 

Within a year, I watched my dad get taken away, my mom die, friendships fade away and my own husband and I didn't work out. 

Talk about a tough time. 

But I always try and keep the positive side. You know, be the strong one. 

But I'm not always strong. 

Sometimes I'm so weak I can't stand it. 

I write this blog about life.

Relationships, shopping, my crazy adventures but hardly do I ever talk about life and how much it can suck. 

So here it is...

Life is hard. 

Life has dealt me a very shitty deck of cards. 

I have cousins & friends who lost their parents at young ages as well. Do they know what I'm going through? 

But really, do they?

You see having my dad taken away from me was one thing. It hurt. Deep down inside my heart was broken. Broken because I couldn't do anything about it. Broken because I could talk to him but not see him. My best friend. 

Then 40 days later my mom died. I had a hand in that. My sister and I had to make the choice to take her off of life support. I got to say goodbye. But does that mean it hurts any less? Absolutely not. There are so many days that I ask myself why me, why my mom. All these other people have their parents and they don't see them much less appreciate them. So why a girl who finally in her mid 20s had the best  relationship she had ever had with her mom had have to have her taken away?  

In 6 days I will celebrate 3 years of her being gone. 

That word. 

Celebrate. 

Feels so wrong to say that. 

Because my heart doesn't feel like celebrating. 

My heart hurts. It aches. It longs to hear her voice and hear her give me her guidance again. It longs to hear that loud laugh I know my sister and I both have. It hurts knowing how much pain I felt 3 years ago. Wondering how I would push forward without her. 

But you do. You somehow wake up, pry yourself out of bed, and you go. 

I was thankful I had an amazing support system during those tough times. 

I had so many friends and family reach out to me that I never expected to. I'm not going to lie, I read all the posts on Facebook not too long ago and boy was I shocked at all the amazing people I had in my life then. 

But the calls eventually stop, people change, relationships fade away. 

And they did. I lost friendships that to this day I still miss so dearly. That I wonder if I ever reached out would we still be able to pick up where we left off? 

And to top things off I got married and divorced all within a year. What was supposed to be the "honeymoon" stage was actually hell. We fought to no end. I shut people out because of him. I shut my closest friends and family out because of him. Did I love him? No doubt. And I always will. Apart of me thinks I leaned on him because it was such a hard time in my life, and the other part of me thinks we just grew apart. I went through some tragic things in life that instead of traveling down the road I was on, I turned off somewhere. I had to in order to grow, to move on, to deal with the pain, to prevent myself from going insane. That road I took may have been the less traveled but it was beautiful. 

When Blake and I split I continued on that road. I fell in love with the scenery. I fell in love with the places it took me. I feel in love with all of the things it said to me. Some days I didn't even have to talk, that road just knew me. It knew the days I was down and just needed to sit on the side of the road and cry, it knew when I had the biggest smile on my face and wanted to laugh until it hurt. The middle of your stomach kind of good laugh. 

But as some of you know dealing with divorce is tough. Regardless if you made the move, were cheated on, it was mutual or whatever, divorce sucks something out of you that you just can't explain. It's this weird feeling of am I making the right choice or should I try again? 

Some do make the right choice. Some do try again. 

All of our roads we take aren't meant to be explained to anyone but ourselves. 

But what I can say is that the road I was on, and the one I turned on to travel, I'm at a fork in the road. Do I continue to travel on this road and see what else it has to offer. Is it still good for me? Because don't get me wrong, this road has brought me heartache as well. Or do I take another road? Do I see what else is out there? Because I can't lie, I'm scared to go down another road, and have more heartache. 

So my question is how do you deal with heartache??? 

I'm not sure. But I sure am trying. I wonder if I will always have lingering pain in my heart. 

With my blogs I always post a picture, something nice and cute or my latest outfit but today, it's me, no makeup, hair back, t shirt on, tear stained eyes, the real me. Because life is real, and life is messy...

So when does it all get easier? 

You know life, the heartache it can bring. 

Until next time...

Social Media and Who People Are(Or Aren't)

Social media these days....

I tell you what, it's got people pretending to be everyone they're not.

People are acting happy when they're really not.

People are jealous over other people's lives when they themselves probably already have a good one themselves.

People act like they're someone cool or badass even when really they're scared and non confrontational.

Hell, it's got people pretending they're someone completely different because they're too scared to be who they really are in person.

I just don't get it.

Social media has been around for years.

Yes, we are all wrapped up in Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, etc. but who remembers the days of dial up AOL or the AIM chats.

I'm not that old but I am old enough to have been around when computers went from DOS to Windows.

When the green screens in elementary school made a noise everytime you clicked a letter or something on the keyboard.

It's crazy to sit here and think about how much it has evolved in my 28 years of life.

But what I don't understand is why people are so worried about being someone they're not.

Social media should be made for fun.

To share pictures of your life with people you grew up with, played soccer with as a kid or went to your high school prom.

Social media shouldn't be used to talk down to someone.

Social media shouldn't be used to wish your life was someone elses.

And social media DAMN SURE shouldn't be used to hide behind a computer screen, phone or tablet, to pretend someone you're not.

I started this blog years ago to give advice on clothes, shopping, books, etc., and over time it has evolved into more personal things like relationships, dating, love, loss, friendships and life in general.

But one thing you won't see on my blog is me being someone I am not.

I am as honest on here as I am in real life.

What you read here is what you get in person.

Now I know you're proabably thinking, damn, I want to meet her, she seems pretty badass....

And for those of you who haven't met me yet, you're missing out, because I am pretty cool.

But I am me.

I'm loud, I laugh louder, I love my dog, I love myself(and all the selifes I take), I love my family and my friends.

But what I am not is wishing I had your life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have had some pretty shitty cards dealt my way, but that doesn't ever make me wish, damn I want to be someone else.

No, it makes me damn proud of where I've been and what I have overcome.

And it makes my journey that much more enjoyable because I am being ME!

So, for everyone who is pretending to be someone else, wishing you had someone elses life, or simply just acting not like who you are in real life on social media.... CUT THE SHIT OUT!

There's really no need for it.

No one wants a fake as a friend on social media but someone different in life.

We get it, your house isn't always clean, or your car, and you might not have all the most brand new stuff in life and that's okay... because at the end of the day if you're still laughing(and I mean really laughing, that my stomach hurts kind of laugh) and enjoying life then darlin' that's called living.

So don't get on here and get too wrapped up in what everyone else has and making yourself wishing you had it too....because trust me... those peope aren't all they're cracked up to be. 

So people, let's just be ourselves, and uplift others and be happy and everything else will fall into place. 

Until next time... 

Adjusting To City Life

So, I wanted to give everyone a little update on my move and how things are going.

I am LOVING being in Katy.

I do miss home.

I really just miss seeing Kayli everyday.

You'd think we were in a relationship or something but just besties. haha

I miss the familiarity of things.

How quick it was for me to go to the store, or to go to Walgreens.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE WALGREENS HERE?

I've been dealing with allergies all week and have yet to find Walgreens. They always have the medicine I need. lol.

I live next to a really nice Kroger, and a Walmart.

So many nice places to eat and things opening up.

But I do miss my home and how quiet it is.

Living with two loud kids who basically own the upstairs of their house is an adjustment.

Luckily I won't be home a lot after the first few weeks of my job.

(More to announce about that later!!) :) :)

But, I love the two girls I work with.

They've welcomed me with open arms and with have shown me a lot this week.

I will miss working with them when we part ways in a month.

But, the adjusting is going well.

I still haven't unpacked.

Kind of like I refused to pack I am kind of not unpacking.

Maybe I'm in denial or maybe I am just tired.

But I know I need to do it.

I need to do laundry soon because I'm running out of clean undies.

I may just go buy new ones. HAHA

But I miss home.

My home.

My turquoise home.

I'm a little homesick writing this.

But I am happy with what's going on, and with what is to come.

I've already met some really cool people.

And eaten at some really nice places too.

I'm eating dinner with some girlfriends from high school tonight so I am excited about that.

I LOVE a familiar face in a brand new city.

Attached are the pictures of my adventure the last week.

Until next time....