Don’t Look Back You’re Not Going That Way

With my 30th birthday quickly approaching(7 days to be exact from when I am writing this) there’s so much on my mind these days.

Every year around this time I always like to reflect.

Take a look at where I've been.

What all I made it through.

But this birthday is a big one.

I love birthdays. Especially my own.

I think it's cool to see people change throughout the years.

So I can't help but think about how much has happened, all that’s changed, the good and the bad of the last 10 years of my life.

10 years ago I was 19, almost 20. 

I was playing softball in college, it was my second semester, fall of 2008. 

I was dating a guy for about a year at this point, he was the first person to ever take me fishing. I caught my first fish, a nice little yellow cat out of the Brazos river. 

A couple of years later when I was 23 I found myself single, and attending school at Sam Houston State University where I changed my major to something I knew nothing about, Agriculture. 

I later met my ex husband Blake, who I can remember being so shy, I kept thinking, is he ever going to kiss me! 

We played a ton of softball together. 

Like literally there was one time we were at the fields 4 nights a week then playing tournaments on the weekends.

After a few years we went on to get engaged.

Shortly after my entire world changed when some things happened with my dad and my mom died 40 days after that.

It didn't quite hit me at the time, I was sort of numb to it all.

It was about 2 months after that it hit me my mom was never coming back.

I would never hear her voice again or get to hold her hand.

Even worse, she wouldn't get to walk me down the isle with my dad and be there the day I finally have kids.

It's something that still bothers me today.

But then I got Chico.

He was the light I so badly needed in my life.

He gave me kisses and would let me just hug him for hours until the tears passed.

I found myself wanting to go outside more and play fetch with him.

I found myself wanting to hang out with people again.

At 27 years old, I ended up purchasing my first home and took ownership of another.

And Blake and I did end up getting married.

Unfortunately that was short lived.

My heart had forever changed, maybe a part of me would always envy him because he would never know how I felt. But a part of me also change. There was a shift in who I was and what I wanted to become. It was one of those cliche "life is short" things but with me it legit happened and I wanted to see what all life had to offer.

I was alone.

Very alone.

I traveled.

I met new people.

Saw new places.

When I was 28 I met another lost soul looking for himself. We dated on and off, nothing serious but we definitely understood what it was like to have lost someone so close to us.

28 was my BEST YEAR.

I did whatever I wanted.

I've always been one of those girls who does what she wants, makes her own decisions, says what she feels and so forth. It is white or black with me. No gray area. You will always know where I stand.

But 28 was good.

I made new friends.

Lost others.

Hell I even moved to a big city for a whole month. (that's another story)

But then came 29.

That shit was rough

I moved, again.

I was lonelier than ever.

Constantly searching for my place in life.

The BEST DAMN THING I COULD'VE EVER DONE WAS MY CAREER CHANGE.

I cannot say it enough, I love my job.

Earlier this year I went in search of some me time.

I needed a break from life.

And anytime I need to clear my head and really listen to my thoughts, I go to the ocean.

That's my place.

That is where I feel completely at ease.

The calming of the waves. The smell of the salty water.

So I went to the ocean.

But this time I went fishing. 

And boy have I fished. 

To catching my first king fish in Corpus, to almost landing a 150 pound tarpon in Port Isabel, to catching reds in Matagorda Bay.... what a fun ending to summer it was. And better yet a fun ending to my twenties. 

As I look back on the last decade of my life I can’t help but be excited for what's to come.

Somewhere along the way I lost myself. 

Bad.

I lost friends I thought would always be in my life.

I fell in love with a man who didn't love me back.

I lost my dad in one way.

And my mom to heaven.

But I also found an even better me. 

I fell in love with this ridiculous EDM band called the Chainsmokers and literally dance my butt off in the car when I’m driving listening to them. 

I fell in love with a fury animal that has four legs. 

But most importantly I fell in love with myself.

DEAR GOD I FELL IN LOVE WITH MYSELF.

If you know me then you know I love me, right?

But I mean it.

No one will ever love me the way I love me.

No one was there to pick me up when I was down.

No one was there to feel exactly what I felt but me.

I picked up the pieces.

I put me back together.

I moved and moved, again.

I did it and DAMN DOES IT FEEL GOOD!!

I learned a lot in this last decade.

I learned that no matter how good of a person you are, some people will always just be shitty, BE KIND ANYWAY!

I learned that if you work hard, the reward is that much sweeter.

I learned that dogs will ALWAYS love you unconditionally no matter how hard you spank them or how long you leave them home alone.

I learned that no matter what I have been through, no matter how good and how bad, it will always be apart of me, but that I don't have to let it define me.

Yes, it is apart of me, and yes, it did shape me into who I am, but I know that chapter of my life is closing.

No, not the entire book, because I am still here, but the chapter, YES!

And guess what..

This next chapter is going to be EPIC!!!!



Stay Tuned.
Until Next Time...