Don't Start With The New Year, New Me BS!

Well, the posts have already started.

Kill me.

Now don't get me wrong, I think a lot of us can agree 2017 was a tough one.

And a lot of us are ready to see it go.

2018 will be much better.

BUT, that doesn't mean go off and start setting a list of "New Year Resolutions"...

Because the way that I see it, every day is a new day for a new beginning.

So why not start now?

Why not start when the thought crosses your mind that today will be the day you make a change?

You see, 2014 was a very TOUGH year for me. 2015 was better. 2016 again, tough, but so much amazingness happened, and 2017 has been a year of so much growth and just going with the wind.

But looking back I see how much I've grown each year.

That's one thing I love to do the day before my birthday. I like to reflect on how much I have grown since the last birthday.

But, I will say something that I have changed about myself this year is just going with the flow.

Wherever the wind blows me...that's where I'm headed.

Just chasing my dreams and really focusing on what I want.

But I had a friend say something that really hit home.... he said just as long as you're blowing with the wind and not against it.

That speaks volumes because often times I think as things happen instead of just letting them happen we try and stop them or alter their route, rather than just letting it happen.

So I have a New Years Resolution for you....

Don't make any.

Start today.

Go with the flow.

Notice the change that needs to be made, and make it.

Don't wait until tomorrow.

Start now.

And I promise you, your days to come will be better than you've ever imagined them to be.





Until next time....

Trusting Someone

Trust. 

Those 5 letters make me want to vomit sometimes.

How we give them to someone and they break it.

Relationships, friends, family.... so easily broken.

I can remember as a little girl the first time I felt deceived by my best friend. She had told one of the boys we grew up with something I asked her not to. Something that never really happened with us but we were going through changes in our life. We went from being one of the boys to actually liking them. So, naturally things changed, and our lines of what secrets should be kept and shouldn't had also.

That stung a little. 

I can remember when I was 17 and being so in love with this guy I was dating. Everything was perfect, we spent tons of time together, went on dates and riding around in his truck. Until one day he started acting weird, he told me he would be at my house at a certain time and he never showed. I ended up running into him at a local store, a girl sitting in his truck with him.

That one stung a little more.

I've lost trust from friendships and relationships plenty of times...

When someone betrays your trust... let it hurt... then let it go. 

Forgive them. 

Release that negative energy so you don't harbor a root of resentment in your heart.

Sometimes it takes being the bigger person to be compassionate.

Put yourself in their shoes.... what caused them to betray your trust.

What are they going through that doesn't make them see clearly that definition of trust between you two.

Everyone has freedom of choice.

Whether they choose to keep your trust, or throw it away, that's okay.

At the end of the day you know your worth, and you're worth it.

And someone out there will admire that.

They will not break your trust.

Just remember not to give it out too easily.

Not everyone deserves it.

And don't worry about all what you're wanting someone to trust...

We’ve all got baggage.... just have to find the one who’s willing to help us unpack. 

Only you know deep in your heart who deserves your trust.

Until next time....

Always Choose Happiness

As a writer I constantly have a lot on my mind. 


Things I want to write about.

Things I probably should write about.

Things I need to write about to submit to get more blogs published.

But here lately I really haven’t been writing a lot.

To be honest I’ve really just been focusing on my self.

I spend a lot of time alone, in the car on the way to work or anywhere, at home, alone.... so it's inevitable that I just think

If I have done any writing it’s in my book and gosh I want so badly to get that book finished and published.

My goal was this year but due to finances and moving and focusing on me, I’ve put it off.

But it stays on my mind constantly.

I call my sister daily and we laugh about how the book is and SHOULD play out.

I can’t really go into detail but if you heard us, you’d laugh.




Moving to San Antonio I was scared.

My first week here I thought real hard about my job and if it’s something I really even want to do.

I thought about just going home and moving back into my house and “settling” somewhere I don’t want to be.

I thought I don’t really belong here seeing as I know literally 2 people in this town.

But then I thought to myself, “no you need this, Lisset.”

I thought to myself that home didn’t really feel like home anymore and that at the end of the day home is what you make it.

Now I’m living in an apartment with roommates and I don’t have even a 1/4 of my things not to mention my CLOTHES, I don’t have even 1/16th of my clothes.  I’m sad I don’t have my girly decor, I’m sad I don’t have freaking Christmas decorations, but at the end of the day I have a nice place for now, I go to work all day, come home and work more and then sleep.

I have a different mindset being self employed now. The word HUSTLE is embedded in me. I think it always has been but it really is more than ever now.

And all while I’m learning a new city, learning a new line of work, and still trying to sell my house back “home”..... through it all I still choose happiness.

When things around keep trying to show the negative.... I still decide happiness.

It's not always easy... but it's the better way.

Through this entire process I’ve been learning so much about myself.

I think we are always a work in progress and we should always take the time to focus on ourselves and learn new things, I have the opportunity to really learn and focus and decide what I truly want and don’t want.

And one thing I don’t want is unhappiness.

So while I’m in a new city, alone, at a new job, which some weeks can be very frustrating, in a brand new home that isn’t mine and dealing with the hell of a nightmare “for sale by owner” has been for me, I STILL choose happiness.

Because why let the negativity of things bring you down.

Why let you things you have no control over take your happiness.

And it’s crazy because 6 months ago I would've been throwing a fit. Hell even 2 months ago I would've let the negative overcome me. But nope. I have a support system that I call, vent about it and then let it go. If there's nothing I can do about it then why be mad about it. And if there is something I can do about it then I will still choose to be happy. Because at the end of the day there's so many more things to be unhappy about and why let the little things bring you down.

This move has had so much change in my life, and while the last couple of weeks have been nothing short of amazing and me finding out so much about myself I’m seeing so many beautiful things. 

This past weekend I got to watch my very best friend shoot a buck. Not her first but a nice trophy for sure and all while getting to shoot the shit, drink some cold ones and get some more meat to add to the freezer. 

To say it’s an adrenaline rush is an understatement. 

I’ve never shot a deer because the one buck I had in my cross hairs I let it go, but the adrenaline to be in the stand with my best friend and to watch her take it down was unexplainable. 

I’d replay that afternoon any day of the week. 

Then I went hiking, fishing on the Guadalupe River in Guadalupe State Park. Talk about some breathtaking views. 

I think this view on life has always been embedded in me, I just had to peel back some layers to truly get the full outlook on it. 

A good friend told me this recently and this is enough to keep me going... “I see a big and bright future for you ahead. You have what it takes. You have the desire in your heart. And most of all, you have God covering all the bases for you. He wants what’s truly best for you. I promise. But you have to be patient. And not settle. Enjoy this time and learn the lessons He wants you to see and grow from.”

Until next time.....

Adjusting To "Different" City Life

Hey everyone.

I had to take a much needed break from social media, and posting because it was getting a bit excessive but, I wanted to take some time to write down some thoughts and share some new experiences that I've had while living in a "different" city.

So about 3 months ago I wrote a blog about me adjusting to city life.

That was about my short stay while living in Houston, living with my sister, her husband and two crazy kids and just adjusting to a much bigger city than where I am from.

Although short lived, I have learned more than anyone that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

And that short experience brought me to the wonderful world of San Antonio.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up here.

The area, yes, because I love the Hill Country and honestly Austin, has always been my main goal, but maybe I am falling in love with San Antonio.

Or really I think I am just falling more in love with myself and all that I've accomplished, and even better... where I am going to end up, wherever that may be.

My life got a little hectic for a minute there, we won't go into all the details but let's just say, I tried something it didn't work, I tried something else, I wasn't happy, so here I am, took a crazy crazy chance, and here I am in a new city, in a totally different career field, out here on the grind.

But I am loving my new found career, my never ending drive to refuse to fail at something, and just taking it all in of a new city.

I have only been here a few weeks and I feel like I am already starting to get used to where things are.

I can't lie, I was scared shitless moving here.

A place I had been to only a handful of times before moving here.

But sometimes we are placed in front of amazing opportunities and we can either run from it because it's something so brand new, or we can embrace it, take a chance, and go for it.

I don't miss College Station, I miss the familiarity of things, where everything is, how quick it takes me to get to Target and Rue 21.

Which by the way I haven't seen a Rue 21 here yet but let me tell you, if there isn't one close to me I think I am going to be heartbroken!

Upon making my decision to move here, I can't lie... a huge reason was music.

I want to see as much live music as my little heart will let me.

I like to call myself a "professional concert goer''.

One thing about leaving home was to try new things, to change things I've been wanting to change, and really focus on myself and what I want.

One big thing I was tired of was always ending up at a bar somewhere until 2 am.

The thing about Houston was that I would go have happy hour drinks after work, and be home by 8-9pm.

I like that.

I'm 29 and there's really no reason to be out until 2 am every night.

But I love live music and the cool thing about places out here is you can go out to a concert, have a good time and be home well before midnight.

See, there's nothing wrong with that.. it's called adulting.

Also, the food.

I haven't even begun to try all the amazing food there is to be had but boy am I excited.

Uber eats might be the best thing since Uber, and let me tell you, last night I tried a Chinese place I won't be trying again because I wasn't a fan of their fried rice. haha.

And then there's the scenery.

Have you SEEN the sunsets out west?

HOLY CRAP?

I told someone I was from Bryan, Tx and they said oh that's East, Tx.

HAHA, not even close.

And this isn't really West, Tx but let me tell you, it's West for me and gosh, it is gorgeous out here.

But all in all, as scared as I was moving here, as very few people that I know here, I don't miss home. I miss familiarity, and I think that's natural because it's something we are so used to.

But sometimes we have to fully let go of something we held on to for so long to allow something so great right in front of us have their chance.

I remember being in Katy, missing home, wanting to go back, feeling like I left my heart there, because in a way, I did.... but now that I am out here, it's quiet, I don't know where shit is... weirdly enough, I don't miss home.

I love coming home after a long day and just watching tv, cleaning and just kind of letting it all soak in. I drive around and get familiar of where things are too. I just need to find me some sushi, and some good tacos and I think I will be good. And there's a concert I want to go to in two weeks that I need to make a friend or two fso I don't have to go alone. Haha.

But this move is good.

My heart needed this.

Life has a crazy way of leading us to places we never thought we'd end up.

Anyway, when I was in Houston I got a membership to a gym there that isn't too far up the road here... so I am about to go see what that's about.

And even though I am not/will not be posting as much as I was, stay tuned for my book, still hoping to have it released by Christmas!

Until next time friends....

Almost "Single" Again

Yesterday I got the news that in 12 days I go to court to finalize my divorce.

12. DAYS!!

12 FUCKING DAYS!!!!

Can you tell how excited I am?

I will officially be a Herrera again!

While divorce is never easy, still this is something I have wanted so badly since we split a year and half ago.

I know that he wanted to work things out but I kept telling myself, it's going to take a lot to get me there.... but once I am done, I am done. And when I asked him to leave, I knew in my heart I would never look back.

And I meant it.

I moved on.

I dated someone for a year who was amazing, we had a blast together but eventually you realize you're just not on the same page about things and you move on.

For most of this year I have been single. I have truly been alone.

I went to work, came home and sat here, ALONE.

Just listened to Chico bark.

Everyone thinks they can be lonely... but lonely isn't easy.

I remember the day I asked Blake to leave, he got some of his things and he left for a week. A week later he came back and got the rest of his things and boy did we fight. We said things that we knew each one of us could truly hurt the other person with.

After that day, I told myself to never be that way again.

Relationships are hard.

Marriage is hard.

REAL FUCKING HARD.

It's work. It's seeing someone so vulnerable it's like their heart is outside of their chest allowing you to just throw it on the ground. It's watching someone sick and throw up all hours of the night from a stomach bug. It's watching that person bury their mother and watching them slip into a deep depression afterward and doing all the silly and crazy things you have to in order to cheer them up. It's late night dinners, early morning trips to the deer stand or softball field. It's a lot.

Those are things that I didn't have in my marriage. They are things I wished I had, but I did not.

Blake and I were different. Friends yes, but in love.... at one time, yes I remember loving him.

I remember one time Blake asked me why I started blogging. I told him because I like to talk, and writing is me putting the words in my heart down on paper. I remember telling him I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't genuinely tell him how I am feeling without an argument or judgement being thrown.

It's like right now, I write because the person I want to talk to isn't here for me to talk to anymore. I am alone. So I write the thoughts in my heart down on paper. You'd laugh at the unpublished blogs I currently have of jumbled up thoughts.

But in 12 days I get my life back.

I get being able to meet someone and sincerely say “Hi, I am "Lisset Herrera" and not think about my last name still being polish on my license.

I get to start a new book to write.

While I appreciate the last 6 years of my life with Blake, I also know so many things I could've done differently. I know in my heart that if I had had the strength to push the wedding back, or call it off, I wouldn't have gotten married. And that's nothing against Blake, it's what I went through in life, and I changed. I think I always knew I had the dreams to travel, to leave this town, to move on and see the world, but instead when I went through some tragic events I looked to fill a void and do things I thought I was "supposed" to do like get married, buy a house.... but when everything settled... I realized I wasn't happy. We fought, we were never together, we stopped eating dinner together, he sat outside while I was inside. I remember crying in bed and just wishing I had someone to hold me and I asked him to come inside and hold me and he did but he was annoyed. I remember feeling so alone. I resented him because he didn't know deep in my heart how I felt losing my mom and dad and then to feel like I was losing him.

But here's the deal about Blake, although we've had our issues and have said hurtful things, I still cannot seem to hate him. I love him but I need to let him go for good. I wish I knew a girl as awesome as myself, maybe a little more reserved, and a not as loud and someone who wants to live here forever, I would SO HOOK HIM UP. I know that sounds crazy but I want him so badly to be happy. Blake is sweet. Genuine. Doesn't yell much unless I've pushed him to that point or it’s a tied softball game, then he can be a little loud, lol. He is going to meet an awesome woman one day who is going to make him forget why he was ever sad over me.

Now as for me... I get to move on. I get to say goodbye to this town and see what the world has to offer. One day I am going to meet someone and get to go on a date with them and I won't have to explain that I need to get a divorce first. I get to go on trips and have HERRERA as my boarding pass again. I get to fall in love without any hesitations holding me back. Because if there's one thing I know I want is to be someone's love again. I always say I miss that because even though it was short lived, I miss having that someone, my person, that security, the one person you can tell anything and everything to, the one person you're completely comfortable with, the one person who calls you on your shit. I miss that. And it's out there, waiting for me. Whether I may have already met him, or he is still to be seen, he's there... and one day, maybe not next year, or the year after that... but one day... I will be a wife again, and this time... I'm not going anywhere.

So, I will end this on a quote I found the other day and it couldn't describe me anymore perfectly...

"She's got a story to write, and it looks nothing like her past."

Until next time...

Courage, Vulnerability, and Missing Your "Person"

I feel like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed with what I am writing about.

But I'm not writing this to get HIS attention...

Or maybe I am.

But I am writing because, like always, it soothes me.

I just can't help but want to write about how strong I have been even when I don't exactly feel it.

A week ago today, I made myself so vulnerable.

Ugh, it still hurts being vulnerable and not getting any response in return.

That's right? I put myself out there with HIM and he didn't say a word back to me.

SUCKS RIGHT?

Yes and no.

To be honest I don't blame him.

You see, a few months ago I was introduced to a man by a mutual friend of ours.

Something about being apart of my life is that you will probably at some point be written about in my blog or book.

I never use names unless I ask them for attention because otherwise this snippet of my life can still easily be understood without any names.

So this pertains to my life and something I need to get off my chest!

Anyway, we were introduced, we chatted at hours on end, met face to face and had a crazy good connection.

Well due to unforeseen circumstances, the "timing" was just off.

I was upset at the thought of not having him by my side as I so happily had the last few months but steadily the last few weeks and I told him how I felt about HIM.

When you get my age (28) you just kind of know when something is worth your time and when it isn't.

This is definitely something I wanted to spend more time getting know.

So I put myself out there, put myself on the line, told my true feelings, something he knows is no easy task for me...and NOTHING!!

Ugh, nothing!

Talk about HEARTBREAK.

Like I said, I (kind of) can't blame him.

It's just that maybe in that moment he didn't want to say anything to hurt me or to make a situation something it should be.

I don't know.

But what I do know is that that made me stronger.

I am proud of myself.

I put myself out here.

That took courage.

I am now stronger because of it.

Since then I have stepped out of a few other comfort zones of mine.

1 big one including my home.

1 also including my job.

I took this courage and channeled it into my life, and I am chasing my dream, which is to just go where the wind blows.

I am excited to see what the future has for me all because I had the courage to be vulnerable.

But if you're out there, reading this, just know I don't regret being vulnerable with you. That took a lot of courage. And courage is something I am very fond of these days since that night I so bravely put my feelings on the line for you. And also since since then I have been more courageous than I have been in a while and followed my dreams and closed a book of my life that has been needing to be closed.  So for that I thank you.

And miss you.

You became my "person."

Whether you realized it or not.

I know that now matter what, everything happens for a reason.

You came into my life, left your mark, and for that I am forever thankful.

So if you're out there reading this, which I'm sure you aren't.... don't let something that is important to "ME", pass you by. You should know what I mean. What's meant to be, will always find a way.

Now that.... that took courage!

Until next time!!

That Thing Called Timing

....It's a son of a bitch!

I have so much on my mind writing this blog and since writing is my scapegoat I figured I would jot my thoughts down and it turned into this.....

There's this thing called timing that has been SO OFF in my life lately.

So what do I do....write about it.

Can you please get it together life?

You see, about 3 months ago I made the decision to move to a bigger city and pursue bigger dreams. I  took a job I was super excited about. I got there. I embraced a much bigger city and I loved so much about it. The only problem...the timing was all off.

Turns out the job wasn't exactly what I wanted as I was promised some things that were kind of non existent. So as I realized as my training days were coming to an end I really didn't have a job for me anymore.

Bummer.

Right?

Ugh, Yes!

Well, I applied all over Houston for about a week and got no bites.

So I did what I knew which was to come home.

Luckily I hadn't sold my house back home yet, so to home I came.

So I put some feelers out about a job and within a day I had 4 interviews lined up. Two in which I wanted, the other two just as backups so to speak.

I ended up getting multiple offers on a few of the jobs. Which honestly was to no surprise because I am a damn hard worker. I can get put into any new situation and I will bust my butt to learn.

Not that I have a choice to. My job feeds me and at the end of the day I don't have a husband or significant other to come home to that will pay my bills and make sure I am fed. Just two dogs who love me. Failure is not an option.

So I accepted a position that I was very familiar with but had never done it before. I knew with just the right amount of training I will succeed at it.

So we will see.

So what does that mean for me??

It just means I wasn't meant to be in Houston just yet?

Does it mean I am meant to be back in Bryan?

For now, YES!

Forever?? Absolutely not!


Trust me when I say I am already looking for my next move. I got a feel of a bigger city and I want more.

You see, to be honest with you I feel that I am not being put up to my full potential here.

Houston really brought out a side in me I never knew I had.

Now don't get me wrong I am a pretty strong person on most days.

Lately, not so much.

Today, definitely not.

But that will change tomorrow when I wake up.

It has to.

For instance, living in Bryan I always have a lunch date or I go home and see my puppies or take a nap or something of that sort.

But in Houston, I would go eat lunch by myself.

Something I NEVER did.

See, strength!!!

And weirdly enough, I loved it.

It's like it gave me some peace and quiet from the craziness of work.

Last weekend I went to San Antonio for a night and while there I was at The Riverwalk Mall by myself.

As much as being in a bigger city scares me and definitely one I have only been to a handful of times was definitely a little intimidating, there's something about taking in a big city that just kind of excites you. You get to see the traffic, people watch and just kind of soak it all in.

After shopping I decided to stop at Margaritaville and grab a drink.

Naturally I sat at the bar top. Something I started doing a few months ago when I went to Vegas and realized how many interesting people you can meet at a bar top by themselves, enjoying some peace and quiet, same as me, taking it all in.

In return, I met some very interesting people.

The bartender was a complete sweetheart yet gorgeous and awesome personality. I am sure she kills it on tips. The guy next to me told me where he's from, currently living and the places he's been all over the world. It was an interesting good time, that's for sure.

So if I had never lived in Houston I would've never done something like meet random strangers at restaurants....

But it's crazy because even though Houston didn't work out, I got something from it....

More courage than I had yesterday.

And for that I am thankful.

Having courage sometimes is TOUGH.

Like tough on so many levels.

Last night I worked up the courage to send a message I normally would NEVER send.

I sucked up my feelings, wrote them out, made myself vulnerable(eww, that word) and worked up the courage to send the text.

Did it make a difference?

Honestly, no.

No in the sense that he didn't respond.

BUT, It did make a difference to me.

In that very moment I had courage.

Courage I wouldn't have had months ago.

Hell, maybe not even a few weeks ago.

Who knows.

But that thing called timing... it's a bitch.

I can honestly say that in the last three years I have learned so much about myself and gained so much from timing.

It's good, it's bad, it's sad, it's happy and glad.

It's so many different fucking things that right now, I hate timing.

I legit hate it.

Because right now, something I so badly want, the timing is all off.

But I love what it's done to me in the past.

I can only hope one day I will love what it's doing to me right now...

So what do I do.

I don't do anything.

I chalk it up as timing, you fucking suck, and I keep on trucking...

I have to.

For about the last 6 months but definitely last two months timing has been the worst. I have done nothing but be a good person, work my ass off, try to achieve goals, get rid of things in my past that continuously try and bring me down, do things I love, see new places and step out of my comfort zone...and despite ALL OF THAT.... I keep getting knocked down. Don't get me wrong.. I always get back up. But DAMN, it would be nice to be up and going for a while because this continuously getting knocked back down is getting old.

I supposed it just has to do with timing, where I am at, where I want to go and where I want to be.

So I am going to end this with something  I came across today... and it's keeping me inspired...

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage are't always comfortable but they are never weakness."

Until next time....

Strength and Hurricanes

Strength. 

It comes in different forms. 

Way of life, waves(literally from Hurricane Harvey),faith, and just plain mindset. 

If you keep your mindset where you want it to be, if you're not there, you'll get there. 

Only you have the power over that.  

Recently, I got so down on myself. 

It was the anniversary of my mom's death. I feel like from August 1st until the day she died (August 19th) there's a black cloud hanging over me.  

It's aweful. 

It's a constant reminder of what I lost. 

11 of the other months of the year I allow it to remind me of what I gained. 

Never in a million years would I see my mom's death in gaining something in return. 

But this one month I just let it sink in, throw myself a pitty party, and then I have to move on. 

You see, life can be a hurricane sometimes. 

I mean that literally because we are currently in the middle of one. 

Or mentally because sometimes things just start flying everywhere and you don't know how to cope.

Or sometimes unexpected life events happen that we have no control over but we just have to keep on pushing forward. 

With the losing of my mom I realized how strong of a person I really was. 

I started doing things I never did. 

I left my comfort zone. 

I made new friends. 

I dated the wrong guy. 

I cut friends out. 

I lost love. 

I found new love in myself. 

I took a different job. 

I moved to the city. 

I did things I never thought I would. 

Sometimes I think if my mom was still here I'd still be doing a lot of the same of what I did before. 

Still with the same man, same friends, same job. 

Same, same, same. 

But losing her made me realize so much. 

The main thing it did was make me realize how short life is and that it's meant to be LIVED. 

So I make it my life goal to do that. 

Live it how I want it to be lived. 

Take the trip. 

Date the guy. 

Make the new friend. 

Buy the expensive purse. 

Cut all your hair off. 

Take the job. 

All things I was sooooo scared to do before I lost my mom. 

And all things that made me realize how strong I truly am. 

Yes, I took some unexpected trips. Gosh, they had some amazing views. 

Yes I dated the guy. Probably not the right guy but it was right when it was right and I learned so much about myself during that. 

I made new friends. Who introduced me to their friends and so on and so on. Now I just have a bigger family. 

I bought myself something nice and expensive that I would've spent that money on before. Because I wanted it and dammit I deserved it. 

I cut my hair off. 13 inches to be exact. I just decided I wanted a change. A hair midlife crisis. I loved it. But long hair is just my thing. 

But the one thing I did that showed strength was taking the new job. 

Never in a million years did I see myself working in healthcare and with people who have Alzheimer's at that. 

I had never been affected by it so I didn't know what it was like. 

And boy did it change my heart. 

I fell in love with so many residents and their families. 

It's what I needed in my life. And in my heart. 

So tomorrow, I'll be starting my new position as a Patient Care Liaison for a Hospice Company, and I'm excited. 

Yes hospice is hard. 

Yes it's providing end of life care. 

But families need it. 

They need people like me who are there to help. 

Because I've been there on that other end, needing someone's help and guidance as my mom entered the last stages of her life. 

So it's my turn to be that person. 

The strong one. 

Because of the strength I've gained... from my mom. 

I'm exxited for this opportunity. 

It's what I feel I was made for.

This is my purpose. 

And that thing called life, it's so valuable...

And boy am I living it. 

Until next time. 

Dealing With Heartache

Heartache comes in so many forms. 

The loss of a parent, friends, or even a significant other. 

Those 3 things happened all at once for me. 

Within a year, I watched my dad get taken away, my mom die, friendships fade away and my own husband and I didn't work out. 

Talk about a tough time. 

But I always try and keep the positive side. You know, be the strong one. 

But I'm not always strong. 

Sometimes I'm so weak I can't stand it. 

I write this blog about life.

Relationships, shopping, my crazy adventures but hardly do I ever talk about life and how much it can suck. 

So here it is...

Life is hard. 

Life has dealt me a very shitty deck of cards. 

I have cousins & friends who lost their parents at young ages as well. Do they know what I'm going through? 

But really, do they?

You see having my dad taken away from me was one thing. It hurt. Deep down inside my heart was broken. Broken because I couldn't do anything about it. Broken because I could talk to him but not see him. My best friend. 

Then 40 days later my mom died. I had a hand in that. My sister and I had to make the choice to take her off of life support. I got to say goodbye. But does that mean it hurts any less? Absolutely not. There are so many days that I ask myself why me, why my mom. All these other people have their parents and they don't see them much less appreciate them. So why a girl who finally in her mid 20s had the best  relationship she had ever had with her mom had have to have her taken away?  

In 6 days I will celebrate 3 years of her being gone. 

That word. 

Celebrate. 

Feels so wrong to say that. 

Because my heart doesn't feel like celebrating. 

My heart hurts. It aches. It longs to hear her voice and hear her give me her guidance again. It longs to hear that loud laugh I know my sister and I both have. It hurts knowing how much pain I felt 3 years ago. Wondering how I would push forward without her. 

But you do. You somehow wake up, pry yourself out of bed, and you go. 

I was thankful I had an amazing support system during those tough times. 

I had so many friends and family reach out to me that I never expected to. I'm not going to lie, I read all the posts on Facebook not too long ago and boy was I shocked at all the amazing people I had in my life then. 

But the calls eventually stop, people change, relationships fade away. 

And they did. I lost friendships that to this day I still miss so dearly. That I wonder if I ever reached out would we still be able to pick up where we left off? 

And to top things off I got married and divorced all within a year. What was supposed to be the "honeymoon" stage was actually hell. We fought to no end. I shut people out because of him. I shut my closest friends and family out because of him. Did I love him? No doubt. And I always will. Apart of me thinks I leaned on him because it was such a hard time in my life, and the other part of me thinks we just grew apart. I went through some tragic things in life that instead of traveling down the road I was on, I turned off somewhere. I had to in order to grow, to move on, to deal with the pain, to prevent myself from going insane. That road I took may have been the less traveled but it was beautiful. 

When Blake and I split I continued on that road. I fell in love with the scenery. I fell in love with the places it took me. I feel in love with all of the things it said to me. Some days I didn't even have to talk, that road just knew me. It knew the days I was down and just needed to sit on the side of the road and cry, it knew when I had the biggest smile on my face and wanted to laugh until it hurt. The middle of your stomach kind of good laugh. 

But as some of you know dealing with divorce is tough. Regardless if you made the move, were cheated on, it was mutual or whatever, divorce sucks something out of you that you just can't explain. It's this weird feeling of am I making the right choice or should I try again? 

Some do make the right choice. Some do try again. 

All of our roads we take aren't meant to be explained to anyone but ourselves. 

But what I can say is that the road I was on, and the one I turned on to travel, I'm at a fork in the road. Do I continue to travel on this road and see what else it has to offer. Is it still good for me? Because don't get me wrong, this road has brought me heartache as well. Or do I take another road? Do I see what else is out there? Because I can't lie, I'm scared to go down another road, and have more heartache. 

So my question is how do you deal with heartache??? 

I'm not sure. But I sure am trying. I wonder if I will always have lingering pain in my heart. 

With my blogs I always post a picture, something nice and cute or my latest outfit but today, it's me, no makeup, hair back, t shirt on, tear stained eyes, the real me. Because life is real, and life is messy...

So when does it all get easier? 

You know life, the heartache it can bring. 

Until next time...

Social Media and Who People Are(Or Aren't)

Social media these days....

I tell you what, it's got people pretending to be everyone they're not.

People are acting happy when they're really not.

People are jealous over other people's lives when they themselves probably already have a good one themselves.

People act like they're someone cool or badass even when really they're scared and non confrontational.

Hell, it's got people pretending they're someone completely different because they're too scared to be who they really are in person.

I just don't get it.

Social media has been around for years.

Yes, we are all wrapped up in Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, etc. but who remembers the days of dial up AOL or the AIM chats.

I'm not that old but I am old enough to have been around when computers went from DOS to Windows.

When the green screens in elementary school made a noise everytime you clicked a letter or something on the keyboard.

It's crazy to sit here and think about how much it has evolved in my 28 years of life.

But what I don't understand is why people are so worried about being someone they're not.

Social media should be made for fun.

To share pictures of your life with people you grew up with, played soccer with as a kid or went to your high school prom.

Social media shouldn't be used to talk down to someone.

Social media shouldn't be used to wish your life was someone elses.

And social media DAMN SURE shouldn't be used to hide behind a computer screen, phone or tablet, to pretend someone you're not.

I started this blog years ago to give advice on clothes, shopping, books, etc., and over time it has evolved into more personal things like relationships, dating, love, loss, friendships and life in general.

But one thing you won't see on my blog is me being someone I am not.

I am as honest on here as I am in real life.

What you read here is what you get in person.

Now I know you're proabably thinking, damn, I want to meet her, she seems pretty badass....

And for those of you who haven't met me yet, you're missing out, because I am pretty cool.

But I am me.

I'm loud, I laugh louder, I love my dog, I love myself(and all the selifes I take), I love my family and my friends.

But what I am not is wishing I had your life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have had some pretty shitty cards dealt my way, but that doesn't ever make me wish, damn I want to be someone else.

No, it makes me damn proud of where I've been and what I have overcome.

And it makes my journey that much more enjoyable because I am being ME!

So, for everyone who is pretending to be someone else, wishing you had someone elses life, or simply just acting not like who you are in real life on social media.... CUT THE SHIT OUT!

There's really no need for it.

No one wants a fake as a friend on social media but someone different in life.

We get it, your house isn't always clean, or your car, and you might not have all the most brand new stuff in life and that's okay... because at the end of the day if you're still laughing(and I mean really laughing, that my stomach hurts kind of laugh) and enjoying life then darlin' that's called living.

So don't get on here and get too wrapped up in what everyone else has and making yourself wishing you had it too....because trust me... those peope aren't all they're cracked up to be. 

So people, let's just be ourselves, and uplift others and be happy and everything else will fall into place. 

Until next time... 

Adjusting To City Life

So, I wanted to give everyone a little update on my move and how things are going.

I am LOVING being in Katy.

I do miss home.

I really just miss seeing Kayli everyday.

You'd think we were in a relationship or something but just besties. haha

I miss the familiarity of things.

How quick it was for me to go to the store, or to go to Walgreens.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE WALGREENS HERE?

I've been dealing with allergies all week and have yet to find Walgreens. They always have the medicine I need. lol.

I live next to a really nice Kroger, and a Walmart.

So many nice places to eat and things opening up.

But I do miss my home and how quiet it is.

Living with two loud kids who basically own the upstairs of their house is an adjustment.

Luckily I won't be home a lot after the first few weeks of my job.

(More to announce about that later!!) :) :)

But, I love the two girls I work with.

They've welcomed me with open arms and with have shown me a lot this week.

I will miss working with them when we part ways in a month.

But, the adjusting is going well.

I still haven't unpacked.

Kind of like I refused to pack I am kind of not unpacking.

Maybe I'm in denial or maybe I am just tired.

But I know I need to do it.

I need to do laundry soon because I'm running out of clean undies.

I may just go buy new ones. HAHA

But I miss home.

My home.

My turquoise home.

I'm a little homesick writing this.

But I am happy with what's going on, and with what is to come.

I've already met some really cool people.

And eaten at some really nice places too.

I'm eating dinner with some girlfriends from high school tonight so I am excited about that.

I LOVE a familiar face in a brand new city.

Attached are the pictures of my adventure the last week.

Until next time....

Embrace The Change

Growing up in a small town is easy.

You know everyone.

You can get everywhere within 5-10 minutes.

So when I graduated High Schiol and I moved to Bryan, TX I knew it would be an adjustment.

But I wasn't scared.

Bigger city.

But let's go.

I was back and forth on weekends when I was away at school.

But I adjusted well.

10 years later here I am, have made this place my home.

I purchased my first home.

I made life long friends.

I saw the sunrise and the sun go down in this city.

But I've known for a long time this place wouldn't be home.

I never quite felt it.

My friend and I were talking the other night about this place being a "black hole" and if you get to knowing the right(or wrong) people it can feel so much like you're sucked into this black hole.

I've always wanted to explore new cities, new experiences.

And I am not going to lie, when I went to Las Vegas it changed me.

I saw some things, experienced life.

Took in new air and saw life how it's meant to be... which is LIVED!

I fell in love in so many different ways. 

So, I decided.... it's time for a change.

I need to feel a new city.

To see new things.

Experience new life.

To embrace the change.

Life for me has been tough but I have still kept on smiling, kept on moving forward in my career, and kept on accomplishing my goals.

And now is the time...

So, I made the decision to move to Houston.

I applied for countless jobs and landed one I know I'm going to love. 

I'm a hard worker.

And I'm an awesome person.

And I am about to experience a new city and accomplish more goals.

So here's to embracing the change, to taking in a new city, to new life and to growing as a person...

Because like I've said before... NOW IS THE TIME.

Here's to my next adventure!!

Regret

I was talking to a friend today about it being Father's Day and what not. 

I asked him if he saw his dad today and he said no.

Of course my response is

'Why... it's Father's Day?'

He proceeded to give me about three excuses, none of which I bought because to me there's no excuse in not seeing your father when he is about an hour and half up the road.

So I said....

I lost my mom three years ago. 

Her and I were never really the best of friends.

Growing up we butt heads like there were no two people more polar opposite.

But she was still my mom. 

Then, as I got older our friendship grew. I started to appreciate the hard working woman I knew shealways was and I started to see things that a young, sheltered, kid wouldn't ever notice. 

We grew closer and I'm thankful for that because it wasn't long after my mom went on her new journey to Heaven.

So the one thing I don't have is regret. 

Yes, there are many times I think I should have done this or maybe that, but the lingering feeling of regret is not there. 

I know deep down in my heart I gained a beautiful relationship with my mom so that I wouldn't have to carry those feelings with me later on.

So, my whole drive home I thought about having regrets.

Wondering if I have any.

Wondering if I ever will.

Wondering what that's like.

Then I remembered conversation with one of my friends about a year and a half ago I asked him if he regretted all of the bad choices he's made in life.

He had made some wrong choices by choosing drugs, and a lifestyle that I have never known or seen but he had some great opportunities and passed them up because of his choice in drugs. Hehad to pay the price and overcome that and has grown so much since becoming a sober man.

But I remember that day so vividly, we were driving in his cousins car, they had just picked me up from dropping my jeep off at the dealership a week after purchasing it because the damn windshield wasn't sealed properly(that’s another story for another day)...and I remember talking to him about his drug of choice and where it led him in life and my exact words were "Do you have regrets doing that and having all of those opportunities taken away from you?"

And he told me....

"NO."

He said that all the choices he has made in life led him to where he is. He said they are not regrets, rather lessons learned. He said without those choices, it would not have shaped him into the man he is today.

And boy I am not going to lie, that hit deep.

And it was that day I saw a different side of him and I saw a different side of life.

He was always goofy and BSin' with me but I saw a different side...a more serious side I guess.

Anyway, it was during that time that I was going through my divorce and my husband and I were splitting up, work was stressful, I was finding out who real friends are, it just seemed like a mess.

People started asking me if I regretted getting married.

My answer then and my answer now.... absolutely not.

Every man that I ever dated was a learning experience. It showed me what I do and don't want out of a man. It showed me who I am as a person and the lengths I am willing to go and not to go. And every man I ever dated led me to my ex-husband. Whether it be friends I met along the way that introduced me to someone else... regardless…..EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. 

So now when I make choices I think to myself… Will I have regrets from this?

Will I make this choice and regret it?

Will I not make this choice and regret it?

Will this help me grow as a person?

Will this be a complete waste of time?

In everything I do now, I think about regret.

Because life is short and I don’t want to get to the end of my road and when it’s time for me to go on to my next journey, I don’t want to have any regrets.

And I don’t want to spend a life with people and if their time comes earlier than mine, I don’t want to have regrets. 

I want to have said I love you, to made sure they got home safe, to go out of my way to make them happy, or whatever it may be, I want to make sure my time with them is preciously spent so there are no regrets.

So my advice to you…

Do what scares you.

Date the girl.

Fall in love.

Get a job that makes you happy.

Travel alone.

Buy the puppy.

Skydive.

Buy a stranger food.

Spend too much time with your family.

Make new friends.

DO SOMETHING THAT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!!

Because regret, is so not worth that awesome feeling you get when you do something you know you want to do.

Until next time….

Trusting In HIS Plan

I've come to realize I write a lot about relationships, friendships, clothes, shopping, etc., but I don't often write about God.
I'm not this Christian who goes to church every weekend and I hate to say I've never really read the Bible from beginning to end.
I hear it's a great book.
I need to read it sometime.
But one thing I do every night is say my prayers.
I pray to God and pray to my momma.
And trust me when I say I know they hear me.
Especially my momma.
That woman is still watching over me in her after life.
But anyway, although I say my prayers every night I still need to remind myself to trust in HIM.
I'll repeat myself...
TRUST IN HIS PLAN!!!
It is something I've been telling myself for a week straight now.
When it comes to the guy I've been seeing, friends who have let me down, the new job I'm trying to land... all things I have a hand in and get so upset when something doesn't go right... I have to trust in his plan.
I can hear myself as a little girl "but mom, why did he lie with me?" Or "mom, why did she not turn out to be the friend I thought she was?"
Because it wasn't in his plan.
Maybe it was his plan to send them my way.
But not for them to stay.
Maybe he wanted me to learn from the breakup and learn from the friendship that there's better ones out there.
People often say God puts people in your life but doesn't mean they're always meant to stay.
And sometimes God puts people in your life that are supposed to stay, but he wants you to sit down and think about who is really meant to. Maybe someone you're over looking.
At 28 years old I'm finally realizing this.
I've lost love.
I've lost friendships.
I've not landed a job I really wanted.
Because it wasn't in his plan. 
I needed to learn what losing meant to appreciate winning.
I've needed to really learn it.
And appreciate it.
So while you may be really waiting on something... and some things may work out... and some might not....
TRUST IN HIS PLAN!!!

Until next time...

There's The Door... Don't Let It Hit You On The Way Out

You know what gets old....

People who use you. 

People who think it's okay to use you because it's convenient for them. 

AND. I. HAVE. FUCKING. HAD IT. 

Did you hear what I just said? 

I'll repeat myself... 

I've fucking had it with you. 

To the sorrry ass girls who want to be your friends but then go talk about you behind your back...

To the sorry ass girls who say "I swear I'll never tell anyone" and then blab their mouths the first chance they get...

To the sorry ass girls who say they'll never go after your man, and then they do...

To the sorry ass guys who want to get your attention, make you think this is going somewhere and then just start ignoring you...

To the the sorry ass guys who think it's okay to talk to multiple women at the same time and think we won't ever find out about it...

To the sorry ass guys who want to play games and never really commit...

Yeah, I'm talking to ALL OF YOU!!!! 

This post is for all the people who have ever been wronged by a friend, or a potential significant other...you're voice has been heard and it's time to put a stop to the madness.

If you're one of the sorry ass people male or female... YOU CAN KICK ROCKS!!!!

Yeah. I said it. 

We don't have room or time for you in our lives anymore. 

We are tired of giving you a chance and you screwing us over. 

I feel like Madea in Diary of a Mad Black woman. 

I mean seriously... how many times does it take for someone to completely screw someone over before karma comes back and bites them in the ass? 

There's far too many good people out there in the world wasting their time on worthless friends and relationships and it HAS GOT TO STOP. 

So there's the door and don't let it hit you on the way out!!!!!

Until next time...

Falling In Love

Love.

Why are we so scared of it?

Why does loving someone make so many of us run?

Love is beautiful.

It is patient.

It is kind.

Love.... bears all things.

But falling in love can be so scary.

And why do we call it falling?

Because when we fall in love are we really falling.

I think of it more as going up. As reaching towards the sky, towards the unknown.

When we fall in love everything is so new.

The "Good Morning" text messages, the dinner dates, the phone calls before you go to bed.

The "butterflies" feeling.

But what I can't understand is why are so many of us scared to have that?

To feel that?

As humans sometimes we think we are in love but sometimes it might just turn out to be lust.

But love is real.

You know when it's love.

Love is passionate.

Love is laughing at all hours of the night until it hurts.

Love is dancing together at random times, no matter the time or place.

Love is opening your arms for her when she crawls into bed and wants to snuggle with you.

Love is kissing her on her forehead when she's had a bad day and just wants to sit there in silence with you.

Love is compromising life with her.

Love is traveling together and falling in love with new places together.

Love is letting your guard down and telling your secrets and fears.

Love is being vulnerable.

Yes, it's scary.

Yes, you might get hurt.

Yes, the pain that something is literally stepping on your heart might be there.

But, what if something great comes out of it.

What if you find your forever person?

Think about all the endless possibilities you can learn from someone that loves you.

The things that they might show you.

The different ways they express their love for you.

So yes, falling in love can be so scary, but damn, it could be so worth it.

Don't be afraid to love.
Until next time.

I'm strong... But Not Always

There are days that I just don't have it in me.

Today is one of those days.

Yesterday was one of those days.

Fuck, the last week was a couple of those days.

I've been through so much shit in life at my young 28 years of life and people ask me all the time "How are you still smiling?"

My answer is always "Because I have to. The world doesn't stop. The world damn sure isn't going to pay my bills." 

But because of what I've been through in life, I am stronger than who I was.

I think I've always been pretty strong willed. 

Pretty sure my parents and family could all agree with that.

But with life happenings I've just gotten stronger.

That hasn't always been the case.

There are many times I've fallen but you just have to continue to get back up. 

When I got married, I never thought 10 months later I'd be single again.

I never thought I would be paying my mortgage by myself.

When I bought my jeep that I love so much I bought it with the idea that yeah, I can afford this because we split the bills and we were very comfortable!

So, I never thought I would be paying a mortgage, a high car note, bills, and trying to enjoy life ALL BY MYSELF.

Something goes wrong, I have to fix it.

My puppy gets sick... I have to pay for it.

Those everyday little things in life.... MAKE ME WEAK.

I hate it.

I literally sometimes am paying bills and just crying.

I didn't sign up for this by myself.

I didn't sign up for this to have my mom die when I was 25 and have my dad taken away from me just 49 days before that. 

I didn't sign up to get married and fight every single day for 300 days.

I didn't sign up to make friends and have them break my heart worse than any breakup could.

I didn't sign up for any of it.

But just know, that maybe on the days that I am being strong, or a little bit stronger willed than the day before.... it's because I was having a weak moment. 

And even though I am a strong person... I am not always strong, and sometimes, I need someone to be stronger than me. I need someone to pick me up on the days I am not myself. I need someone to just sit there in silence and remind me that things are going to be okay. I need someone who will walk beside me, not in front of me. I need someone who will encourage my goals as their goals. 

And even though I am strong.... sometimes I need those weak moments to remind me what I've been though, and remind me how strong I know I am, and remind me that I know where I am going.

But what do I do.

I wake up, I stand up, and I deal.

I have to.

I FUCKING HAVE TO!

Until next time....

Being Vulnerable

V.U.L.N.E.R.A.B.L.E

The things that word makes people do.

You see the problem is that no one wants to be vulnerable.

My friend Mandee posted this on her Facebook the other day, "I hate that society as a whole views emotion as a weakness. You have to be brave to be vulnerable. You have to be strong to be empathetic to others. You need to be diligent never give up on your loves ones. To me being emotional is by far my greatest strength."

I could not have said it any better.

Being vulnerable is showing emotion.

Showing emotion is courage.

The problem is that not every one deserves your vulnerability.

You see the problem is that we show emotion to those who are not respectful of our emotions.

Whether it be to a new guy/girl your interested in or a new friend you barely know.

Being vulnerable is being raw.

Being you.

And because some of us may have been screwed over in the past, we don't want to be vulnerable.

Trust me, I am the first person who doesn't want to show emotion.

Because to me showing emotion means letting you in.

And letting you in means giving you the opportunity to hurt me.

And I am just not down for that.

But, what I will say is that those of us who have been vulnerable and have been hurt,that doesn't give you the right to hurt others who are vulnerable to you.

We are all adults here and we are learning as we go...

But there's no need in hurting someone if someone else has hurt you.

Things eventually come back full circle and you will get hurt again if you do that.

You see, I'm not vulnerable.

Usually... I'm not.....

But, here lately, I've been a little more than usual.

I've said things like, "I miss you" or "I want to see you" and that alone is hard for me.

Because when I say that, will they say "I miss you too" or will they question if I miss them or not?

And then that'll just make me wish I never said it.

But sometimes you just have to lower your guard.

Because sometimes someone else is willing to help you lower that guard.

But if you keep it up forever, they'll eventually get tired of it and move on to something else.

It's not going to be easy.

It's uncomfortable and scary.

But be vulnerable.

You deserve to be.

You never know what new opportunities it can bring.

That my friend, is the most rewarding courage.

Until next time...

Book Excerpt

I'm so in love with this book that I had to reshare an excerpt from my book. 

There won't be many of these and the book "might" be done earlier than expected.

Accomplishing goals one at a time.    

Ryder looks down at Leighton. She stands there trying to catch her breath. That's been an issue every time he's around. He grabs her chin. His hands are so rough. She remembers why she fell in love with him so long ago. His touch. The strength yet softness behind it. He tilts her head up to him. "Leighton, just give me a chance to love you and I swear on everything we will be the happiest we can be together. And true happiness. Not that bullshit you talked yourself into with him.There's so much I am going to show you that you won't be able to question my feelings towards you even if you wanted to."

She drops her head into his chest, tears rolling down her face. She knows this is going to be a hard decision. But her heart loves him. Her body longs to feel more of his touch. She wipes her tears and steps back. She looks away knowing if she looks into those deep blue eyes she'll get lost. Just like she does every other time. "Why now? Why should I trust you 10 years later? After you just up and walked out of my life I had to put myself together. It wasn't easy. I compared every man to you. I couldn't love anyone else like you. So why now.?" He grabs her on the small of her back and pulls her toward him. His tone deeper than it's ever been. His eyes only watching her. "Baby, I wasn't a man then, but I'm one now and I want to show you everything I know. I want to show you the world. I want to do things to you that I can't even begin to tell you because I'd make them happen right here, right now." 

When The Timing Is Right

Timing.

It can be so off sometimes.

Whether it be in a relationship, a job, making big life decisions.

Sometimes timing is just off.

But let's say you meet someone and you really hit it off.

You go on a few dates and have a great time but then things fizzle out.

Does that mean it just didn't work out?

Maybe you're not meant for each other?

Or maybe the timing just isn't right?

There are all these factors that could play in the situation.

So, if any of you read my blogs, you'll know that I went to Vegas recently.

And boy did I fall in love.

Not only did I fall in love with the city, but I fell in love with myself, amongst other things as well.

But what I did realize is that the timing was right.

I've always wanted to go to Vegas.

And I could have gone multiple times with different people but I never did.

Because the timing wasn't right.

I was meant to go when I did, with who I did, to experience Vegas the way I got to experience it.

I've been wanting to make a change in my life for quite sometime.

After going through the loss of my mother, not being able to have my dad around, a failed marriage, I've been waiting for the "right time" to make a change.

And what a more perfect time for that to happen.

Because 10 years ago, I would've never been able to make this change.

I needed to find myself.

And I have.

I know who I am, I know what I want in life, I know where I want to go and places I want to see.

So, if you're struggling with making a decision, or whether to jump into the relationship, or take the big new job, you'll know when the time is right.

"Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you had in mind." David G. Allen

But things have a way of always working itself out. 

And when it does...

And it's an awesome feeling.

That perfect timing. 

And As for me, now is the perfect time. 

NOW. IS. THE. TIME.

Until next time...

I Miss You

It's the eve of your birthday. 

You would've been 63 years old. 

I'm sitting here at what should be your headstone wishing you had an actual headstone. 

But it's so hard. 

Finding the perfect one for you. 

Because that's what you were. 

So you only deserve the best. 

I often look at them thinking I'm ready. 

But the anxiety kicks in. 

Am I making the right decision. 

Why aren't you here to guide me on this?

And then I start miss you all over again. 

Your voice. 

Your laugh. 

Your smile. 

Your curly hair. 

The comfort of your shoulder. 

Your wisdom. 

But most of all I just miss you. 

Three years and it still feels like yesterday. 

Sitting in the hospital. 

Hearing you tell us goodbye. 

Watching you dance as you told us you loved us. 

Listening to you tell us you were ready to go. 

That you wanted to see your mom and dad again.  

But most of all I just miss having my mom. 

I miss spending lazy days with you. 

I miss calling you and arguing with you that you were right. 

I miss when I couldn't sleep I could call you and you were always up playing candy crush. 

There's just so many things I miss. 

I hope to see you again one day momma. 

But for now, continue to be the best guardian angel. 

Until next time. 

Once A Woman Is Done, She's Done

Women. 

We can be so forgiving.

We give more than we receive.

We let our buttons get pushed and pushed.

But eventually enough is enough.

And once we are done, we are DONE.

Okay, so here's what's on my mind...

You ever fall so hard for someone even you're like "how TF did this happen?"

Now you're all like....

I miss YOU.

I miss the Good Morning texts.

I miss the times we laughed.

I miss the times we spent together.

Things happen, people change, yet here we are still holding on.

For what though....

As women we think, they'll change.

They'll come back around.

But we are only fooling ourselves.

GIRLFRIEND, he isn't going to change.

He isn't going to be the man you want him to be.

Stop waiting on his text.

Stop looking for that phone call.

Because if there's anything I know is that you can move on.

YOU CAN LET GO.

And when you do it'll be the best damn feeling you've ever felt.

There's someone out there better.

There's someone who will show you the attention you want and DESERVE.

There's someone out there who won't make you question their feelings for you.

So do it.

Everyone needs a little push and inspiration.

It isn't going to be easy.

It's going to be hard.

But one day you will look back and wonder why you ever worried about him in the first place.

You'll even try to remember the feelings you caught for him.

It was lust not love, honey.

You'll know true love.

And it's out there.

You DESERVE something better that's out there.

Until next time...

Ryder looks down at Leighton. She stands there trying to catch her breath. That's been an issue every time he's around. He grabs her chin. His hands are so rough. She remembers why she fell in love with him so long ago. His touch. The strength yet softness behind it. He tilts her head up to him. "Leighton, just give me a chance to love you and I swear on everything we will be the happiest we can be together. And true happiness. Not that bullshit you talked yourself into with him.There's so much I am going to show you that you won't be able to question my feelings towards you even if you wanted to."

She drops her head into his chest, tears rolling down her face. She knows this is going to be a hard decision. But her heart loves him. Her body longs to feel more of his touch. She wipes her tears and steps back. She looks away knowing if she looks into those deep blue eyes she'll get lost. Just like she does every other time. "Why now? Why should I trust you 10 years later? After you just up and walked out of my life I had to put myself together. It wasn't easy. I compared every man to you. I couldn't love anyone else like you. So why now.?" He grabs her on the small of her back and pulls her toward him. His tone deeper than it's ever been. His eyes only watching her. "Baby, I wasn't a man then, but I'm one now and I want to show you everything I know. I want to show you the world. I want to do things to you that I can't even begin to tell you because I'd make them happen right here, right now." 

What Happens In Vegas

I just got back from Vegas on Saturday and I literally could pick up and go back right now. 

I wish I was still there. 

Still feels like a dream. 

So it was my first time, and let me tell you what... 

I FELL IN LOVE!

I fell in love with the lights, the energy, the noise, the people, and the scenery. 

It was more than I could've ever asked for. 

I was fortunate enough to go on this trip. 

And let me tell you, I was very spoiled while there. 

I got multiple limos, got taken to all the hotels, the light show at the Bellagio, Fremont Street, the pool at Mandalay Bay, Hakassan Night Club in MGM. I mean it was AMAZING!!!  

I am constantly talking right? 

I love it. 

But when I realllllly enjoy something, I get quiet.  I embrace it. I let it all sink in. 

In Vegas, I was quiet. 

It was a dream come true. 

I made friends with random strangers at the pool. 

I paid a little Mexican man with an accordian to play my favorite song in Spanish. 

It was surreal. 

My only regret was not going to cirque du soleil and to see my all time favorite band, The Chainsmokers. 

That's okay, there will be a next time. 

But while in Vegas I realized something, life is meant to be lived! 

Life is short. 

And you have to experience it. 

You have to embrace your life and live it. 

Make things happen. 

Take chances. 

Travel the world. 

Step out of your comfort zone. 

Life. Your. Life. Dammit. 

I'm 28 years old, I'm single, I have two dogs, a house and a good job. 

But what I don't have is anything holding me back from accomplishing my goals and dreams. 

And I don't have anything holding me back from getting up and going. 

New city, new lights, new feels...

I want it. 

I need it. 

I desire to explore the NEW. 

It's time to make a change. 

Because Vegas, I want more of you. 

I want you whenever I want to have you. 

But I want to travel.  

I need to see more. 

There's more to life than the old local honky tonk. 

There's more to life than sitting at home watching tv. 

There's a world out there and I'm going to find it. 

And maybe, just maybe, I'll get to experience this world with someone by my side. 

But for now, I'm going to live. 

And you should too. 

Until next time....