Almost "Single" Again

Yesterday I got the news that in 12 days I go to court to finalize my divorce.

12. DAYS!!

12 FUCKING DAYS!!!!

Can you tell how excited I am?

I will officially be a Herrera again!

While divorce is never easy, still this is something I have wanted so badly since we split a year and half ago.

I know that he wanted to work things out but I kept telling myself, it's going to take a lot to get me there.... but once I am done, I am done. And when I asked him to leave, I knew in my heart I would never look back.

And I meant it.

I moved on.

I dated someone for a year who was amazing, we had a blast together but eventually you realize you're just not on the same page about things and you move on.

For most of this year I have been single. I have truly been alone.

I went to work, came home and sat here, ALONE.

Just listened to Chico bark.

Everyone thinks they can be lonely... but lonely isn't easy.

I remember the day I asked Blake to leave, he got some of his things and he left for a week. A week later he came back and got the rest of his things and boy did we fight. We said things that we knew each one of us could truly hurt the other person with.

After that day, I told myself to never be that way again.

Relationships are hard.

Marriage is hard.

REAL FUCKING HARD.

It's work. It's seeing someone so vulnerable it's like their heart is outside of their chest allowing you to just throw it on the ground. It's watching someone sick and throw up all hours of the night from a stomach bug. It's watching that person bury their mother and watching them slip into a deep depression afterward and doing all the silly and crazy things you have to in order to cheer them up. It's late night dinners, early morning trips to the deer stand or softball field. It's a lot.

Those are things that I didn't have in my marriage. They are things I wished I had, but I did not.

Blake and I were different. Friends yes, but in love.... at one time, yes I remember loving him.

I remember one time Blake asked me why I started blogging. I told him because I like to talk, and writing is me putting the words in my heart down on paper. I remember telling him I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't genuinely tell him how I am feeling without an argument or judgement being thrown.

It's like right now, I write because the person I want to talk to isn't here for me to talk to anymore. I am alone. So I write the thoughts in my heart down on paper. You'd laugh at the unpublished blogs I currently have of jumbled up thoughts.

But in 12 days I get my life back.

I get being able to meet someone and sincerely say “Hi, I am "Lisset Herrera" and not think about my last name still being polish on my license.

I get to start a new book to write.

While I appreciate the last 6 years of my life with Blake, I also know so many things I could've done differently. I know in my heart that if I had had the strength to push the wedding back, or call it off, I wouldn't have gotten married. And that's nothing against Blake, it's what I went through in life, and I changed. I think I always knew I had the dreams to travel, to leave this town, to move on and see the world, but instead when I went through some tragic events I looked to fill a void and do things I thought I was "supposed" to do like get married, buy a house.... but when everything settled... I realized I wasn't happy. We fought, we were never together, we stopped eating dinner together, he sat outside while I was inside. I remember crying in bed and just wishing I had someone to hold me and I asked him to come inside and hold me and he did but he was annoyed. I remember feeling so alone. I resented him because he didn't know deep in my heart how I felt losing my mom and dad and then to feel like I was losing him.

But here's the deal about Blake, although we've had our issues and have said hurtful things, I still cannot seem to hate him. I love him but I need to let him go for good. I wish I knew a girl as awesome as myself, maybe a little more reserved, and a not as loud and someone who wants to live here forever, I would SO HOOK HIM UP. I know that sounds crazy but I want him so badly to be happy. Blake is sweet. Genuine. Doesn't yell much unless I've pushed him to that point or it’s a tied softball game, then he can be a little loud, lol. He is going to meet an awesome woman one day who is going to make him forget why he was ever sad over me.

Now as for me... I get to move on. I get to say goodbye to this town and see what the world has to offer. One day I am going to meet someone and get to go on a date with them and I won't have to explain that I need to get a divorce first. I get to go on trips and have HERRERA as my boarding pass again. I get to fall in love without any hesitations holding me back. Because if there's one thing I know I want is to be someone's love again. I always say I miss that because even though it was short lived, I miss having that someone, my person, that security, the one person you can tell anything and everything to, the one person you're completely comfortable with, the one person who calls you on your shit. I miss that. And it's out there, waiting for me. Whether I may have already met him, or he is still to be seen, he's there... and one day, maybe not next year, or the year after that... but one day... I will be a wife again, and this time... I'm not going anywhere.

So, I will end this on a quote I found the other day and it couldn't describe me anymore perfectly...

"She's got a story to write, and it looks nothing like her past."

Until next time...