Almost "Single" Again

Yesterday I got the news that in 12 days I go to court to finalize my divorce.

12. DAYS!!

12 FUCKING DAYS!!!!

Can you tell how excited I am?

I will officially be a Herrera again!

While divorce is never easy, still this is something I have wanted so badly since we split a year and half ago.

I know that he wanted to work things out but I kept telling myself, it's going to take a lot to get me there.... but once I am done, I am done. And when I asked him to leave, I knew in my heart I would never look back.

And I meant it.

I moved on.

I dated someone for a year who was amazing, we had a blast together but eventually you realize you're just not on the same page about things and you move on.

For most of this year I have been single. I have truly been alone.

I went to work, came home and sat here, ALONE.

Just listened to Chico bark.

Everyone thinks they can be lonely... but lonely isn't easy.

I remember the day I asked Blake to leave, he got some of his things and he left for a week. A week later he came back and got the rest of his things and boy did we fight. We said things that we knew each one of us could truly hurt the other person with.

After that day, I told myself to never be that way again.

Relationships are hard.

Marriage is hard.

REAL FUCKING HARD.

It's work. It's seeing someone so vulnerable it's like their heart is outside of their chest allowing you to just throw it on the ground. It's watching someone sick and throw up all hours of the night from a stomach bug. It's watching that person bury their mother and watching them slip into a deep depression afterward and doing all the silly and crazy things you have to in order to cheer them up. It's late night dinners, early morning trips to the deer stand or softball field. It's a lot.

Those are things that I didn't have in my marriage. They are things I wished I had, but I did not.

Blake and I were different. Friends yes, but in love.... at one time, yes I remember loving him.

I remember one time Blake asked me why I started blogging. I told him because I like to talk, and writing is me putting the words in my heart down on paper. I remember telling him I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't genuinely tell him how I am feeling without an argument or judgement being thrown.

It's like right now, I write because the person I want to talk to isn't here for me to talk to anymore. I am alone. So I write the thoughts in my heart down on paper. You'd laugh at the unpublished blogs I currently have of jumbled up thoughts.

But in 12 days I get my life back.

I get being able to meet someone and sincerely say “Hi, I am "Lisset Herrera" and not think about my last name still being polish on my license.

I get to start a new book to write.

While I appreciate the last 6 years of my life with Blake, I also know so many things I could've done differently. I know in my heart that if I had had the strength to push the wedding back, or call it off, I wouldn't have gotten married. And that's nothing against Blake, it's what I went through in life, and I changed. I think I always knew I had the dreams to travel, to leave this town, to move on and see the world, but instead when I went through some tragic events I looked to fill a void and do things I thought I was "supposed" to do like get married, buy a house.... but when everything settled... I realized I wasn't happy. We fought, we were never together, we stopped eating dinner together, he sat outside while I was inside. I remember crying in bed and just wishing I had someone to hold me and I asked him to come inside and hold me and he did but he was annoyed. I remember feeling so alone. I resented him because he didn't know deep in my heart how I felt losing my mom and dad and then to feel like I was losing him.

But here's the deal about Blake, although we've had our issues and have said hurtful things, I still cannot seem to hate him. I love him but I need to let him go for good. I wish I knew a girl as awesome as myself, maybe a little more reserved, and a not as loud and someone who wants to live here forever, I would SO HOOK HIM UP. I know that sounds crazy but I want him so badly to be happy. Blake is sweet. Genuine. Doesn't yell much unless I've pushed him to that point or it’s a tied softball game, then he can be a little loud, lol. He is going to meet an awesome woman one day who is going to make him forget why he was ever sad over me.

Now as for me... I get to move on. I get to say goodbye to this town and see what the world has to offer. One day I am going to meet someone and get to go on a date with them and I won't have to explain that I need to get a divorce first. I get to go on trips and have HERRERA as my boarding pass again. I get to fall in love without any hesitations holding me back. Because if there's one thing I know I want is to be someone's love again. I always say I miss that because even though it was short lived, I miss having that someone, my person, that security, the one person you can tell anything and everything to, the one person you're completely comfortable with, the one person who calls you on your shit. I miss that. And it's out there, waiting for me. Whether I may have already met him, or he is still to be seen, he's there... and one day, maybe not next year, or the year after that... but one day... I will be a wife again, and this time... I'm not going anywhere.

So, I will end this on a quote I found the other day and it couldn't describe me anymore perfectly...

"She's got a story to write, and it looks nothing like her past."

Until next time...

Courage, Vulnerability, and Missing Your "Person"

I feel like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed with what I am writing about.

But I'm not writing this to get HIS attention...

Or maybe I am.

But I am writing because, like always, it soothes me.

I just can't help but want to write about how strong I have been even when I don't exactly feel it.

A week ago today, I made myself so vulnerable.

Ugh, it still hurts being vulnerable and not getting any response in return.

That's right? I put myself out there with HIM and he didn't say a word back to me.

SUCKS RIGHT?

Yes and no.

To be honest I don't blame him.

You see, a few months ago I was introduced to a man by a mutual friend of ours.

Something about being apart of my life is that you will probably at some point be written about in my blog or book.

I never use names unless I ask them for attention because otherwise this snippet of my life can still easily be understood without any names.

So this pertains to my life and something I need to get off my chest!

Anyway, we were introduced, we chatted at hours on end, met face to face and had a crazy good connection.

Well due to unforeseen circumstances, the "timing" was just off.

I was upset at the thought of not having him by my side as I so happily had the last few months but steadily the last few weeks and I told him how I felt about HIM.

When you get my age (28) you just kind of know when something is worth your time and when it isn't.

This is definitely something I wanted to spend more time getting know.

So I put myself out there, put myself on the line, told my true feelings, something he knows is no easy task for me...and NOTHING!!

Ugh, nothing!

Talk about HEARTBREAK.

Like I said, I (kind of) can't blame him.

It's just that maybe in that moment he didn't want to say anything to hurt me or to make a situation something it should be.

I don't know.

But what I do know is that that made me stronger.

I am proud of myself.

I put myself out here.

That took courage.

I am now stronger because of it.

Since then I have stepped out of a few other comfort zones of mine.

1 big one including my home.

1 also including my job.

I took this courage and channeled it into my life, and I am chasing my dream, which is to just go where the wind blows.

I am excited to see what the future has for me all because I had the courage to be vulnerable.

But if you're out there, reading this, just know I don't regret being vulnerable with you. That took a lot of courage. And courage is something I am very fond of these days since that night I so bravely put my feelings on the line for you. And also since since then I have been more courageous than I have been in a while and followed my dreams and closed a book of my life that has been needing to be closed.  So for that I thank you.

And miss you.

You became my "person."

Whether you realized it or not.

I know that now matter what, everything happens for a reason.

You came into my life, left your mark, and for that I am forever thankful.

So if you're out there reading this, which I'm sure you aren't.... don't let something that is important to "ME", pass you by. You should know what I mean. What's meant to be, will always find a way.

Now that.... that took courage!

Until next time!!

That Thing Called Timing

....It's a son of a bitch!

I have so much on my mind writing this blog and since writing is my scapegoat I figured I would jot my thoughts down and it turned into this.....

There's this thing called timing that has been SO OFF in my life lately.

So what do I do....write about it.

Can you please get it together life?

You see, about 3 months ago I made the decision to move to a bigger city and pursue bigger dreams. I  took a job I was super excited about. I got there. I embraced a much bigger city and I loved so much about it. The only problem...the timing was all off.

Turns out the job wasn't exactly what I wanted as I was promised some things that were kind of non existent. So as I realized as my training days were coming to an end I really didn't have a job for me anymore.

Bummer.

Right?

Ugh, Yes!

Well, I applied all over Houston for about a week and got no bites.

So I did what I knew which was to come home.

Luckily I hadn't sold my house back home yet, so to home I came.

So I put some feelers out about a job and within a day I had 4 interviews lined up. Two in which I wanted, the other two just as backups so to speak.

I ended up getting multiple offers on a few of the jobs. Which honestly was to no surprise because I am a damn hard worker. I can get put into any new situation and I will bust my butt to learn.

Not that I have a choice to. My job feeds me and at the end of the day I don't have a husband or significant other to come home to that will pay my bills and make sure I am fed. Just two dogs who love me. Failure is not an option.

So I accepted a position that I was very familiar with but had never done it before. I knew with just the right amount of training I will succeed at it.

So we will see.

So what does that mean for me??

It just means I wasn't meant to be in Houston just yet?

Does it mean I am meant to be back in Bryan?

For now, YES!

Forever?? Absolutely not!


Trust me when I say I am already looking for my next move. I got a feel of a bigger city and I want more.

You see, to be honest with you I feel that I am not being put up to my full potential here.

Houston really brought out a side in me I never knew I had.

Now don't get me wrong I am a pretty strong person on most days.

Lately, not so much.

Today, definitely not.

But that will change tomorrow when I wake up.

It has to.

For instance, living in Bryan I always have a lunch date or I go home and see my puppies or take a nap or something of that sort.

But in Houston, I would go eat lunch by myself.

Something I NEVER did.

See, strength!!!

And weirdly enough, I loved it.

It's like it gave me some peace and quiet from the craziness of work.

Last weekend I went to San Antonio for a night and while there I was at The Riverwalk Mall by myself.

As much as being in a bigger city scares me and definitely one I have only been to a handful of times was definitely a little intimidating, there's something about taking in a big city that just kind of excites you. You get to see the traffic, people watch and just kind of soak it all in.

After shopping I decided to stop at Margaritaville and grab a drink.

Naturally I sat at the bar top. Something I started doing a few months ago when I went to Vegas and realized how many interesting people you can meet at a bar top by themselves, enjoying some peace and quiet, same as me, taking it all in.

In return, I met some very interesting people.

The bartender was a complete sweetheart yet gorgeous and awesome personality. I am sure she kills it on tips. The guy next to me told me where he's from, currently living and the places he's been all over the world. It was an interesting good time, that's for sure.

So if I had never lived in Houston I would've never done something like meet random strangers at restaurants....

But it's crazy because even though Houston didn't work out, I got something from it....

More courage than I had yesterday.

And for that I am thankful.

Having courage sometimes is TOUGH.

Like tough on so many levels.

Last night I worked up the courage to send a message I normally would NEVER send.

I sucked up my feelings, wrote them out, made myself vulnerable(eww, that word) and worked up the courage to send the text.

Did it make a difference?

Honestly, no.

No in the sense that he didn't respond.

BUT, It did make a difference to me.

In that very moment I had courage.

Courage I wouldn't have had months ago.

Hell, maybe not even a few weeks ago.

Who knows.

But that thing called timing... it's a bitch.

I can honestly say that in the last three years I have learned so much about myself and gained so much from timing.

It's good, it's bad, it's sad, it's happy and glad.

It's so many different fucking things that right now, I hate timing.

I legit hate it.

Because right now, something I so badly want, the timing is all off.

But I love what it's done to me in the past.

I can only hope one day I will love what it's doing to me right now...

So what do I do.

I don't do anything.

I chalk it up as timing, you fucking suck, and I keep on trucking...

I have to.

For about the last 6 months but definitely last two months timing has been the worst. I have done nothing but be a good person, work my ass off, try to achieve goals, get rid of things in my past that continuously try and bring me down, do things I love, see new places and step out of my comfort zone...and despite ALL OF THAT.... I keep getting knocked down. Don't get me wrong.. I always get back up. But DAMN, it would be nice to be up and going for a while because this continuously getting knocked back down is getting old.

I supposed it just has to do with timing, where I am at, where I want to go and where I want to be.

So I am going to end this with something  I came across today... and it's keeping me inspired...

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage are't always comfortable but they are never weakness."

Until next time....