I'm strong... But Not Always

There are days that I just don't have it in me.

Today is one of those days.

Yesterday was one of those days.

Fuck, the last week was a couple of those days.

I've been through so much shit in life at my young 28 years of life and people ask me all the time "How are you still smiling?"

My answer is always "Because I have to. The world doesn't stop. The world damn sure isn't going to pay my bills." 

But because of what I've been through in life, I am stronger than who I was.

I think I've always been pretty strong willed. 

Pretty sure my parents and family could all agree with that.

But with life happenings I've just gotten stronger.

That hasn't always been the case.

There are many times I've fallen but you just have to continue to get back up. 

When I got married, I never thought 10 months later I'd be single again.

I never thought I would be paying my mortgage by myself.

When I bought my jeep that I love so much I bought it with the idea that yeah, I can afford this because we split the bills and we were very comfortable!

So, I never thought I would be paying a mortgage, a high car note, bills, and trying to enjoy life ALL BY MYSELF.

Something goes wrong, I have to fix it.

My puppy gets sick... I have to pay for it.

Those everyday little things in life.... MAKE ME WEAK.

I hate it.

I literally sometimes am paying bills and just crying.

I didn't sign up for this by myself.

I didn't sign up for this to have my mom die when I was 25 and have my dad taken away from me just 49 days before that. 

I didn't sign up to get married and fight every single day for 300 days.

I didn't sign up to make friends and have them break my heart worse than any breakup could.

I didn't sign up for any of it.

But just know, that maybe on the days that I am being strong, or a little bit stronger willed than the day before.... it's because I was having a weak moment. 

And even though I am a strong person... I am not always strong, and sometimes, I need someone to be stronger than me. I need someone to pick me up on the days I am not myself. I need someone to just sit there in silence and remind me that things are going to be okay. I need someone who will walk beside me, not in front of me. I need someone who will encourage my goals as their goals. 

And even though I am strong.... sometimes I need those weak moments to remind me what I've been though, and remind me how strong I know I am, and remind me that I know where I am going.

But what do I do.

I wake up, I stand up, and I deal.

I have to.

I FUCKING HAVE TO!

Until next time....