Dealing With Heartache

Heartache comes in so many forms. 

The loss of a parent, friends, or even a significant other. 

Those 3 things happened all at once for me. 

Within a year, I watched my dad get taken away, my mom die, friendships fade away and my own husband and I didn't work out. 

Talk about a tough time. 

But I always try and keep the positive side. You know, be the strong one. 

But I'm not always strong. 

Sometimes I'm so weak I can't stand it. 

I write this blog about life.

Relationships, shopping, my crazy adventures but hardly do I ever talk about life and how much it can suck. 

So here it is...

Life is hard. 

Life has dealt me a very shitty deck of cards. 

I have cousins & friends who lost their parents at young ages as well. Do they know what I'm going through? 

But really, do they?

You see having my dad taken away from me was one thing. It hurt. Deep down inside my heart was broken. Broken because I couldn't do anything about it. Broken because I could talk to him but not see him. My best friend. 

Then 40 days later my mom died. I had a hand in that. My sister and I had to make the choice to take her off of life support. I got to say goodbye. But does that mean it hurts any less? Absolutely not. There are so many days that I ask myself why me, why my mom. All these other people have their parents and they don't see them much less appreciate them. So why a girl who finally in her mid 20s had the best  relationship she had ever had with her mom had have to have her taken away?  

In 6 days I will celebrate 3 years of her being gone. 

That word. 

Celebrate. 

Feels so wrong to say that. 

Because my heart doesn't feel like celebrating. 

My heart hurts. It aches. It longs to hear her voice and hear her give me her guidance again. It longs to hear that loud laugh I know my sister and I both have. It hurts knowing how much pain I felt 3 years ago. Wondering how I would push forward without her. 

But you do. You somehow wake up, pry yourself out of bed, and you go. 

I was thankful I had an amazing support system during those tough times. 

I had so many friends and family reach out to me that I never expected to. I'm not going to lie, I read all the posts on Facebook not too long ago and boy was I shocked at all the amazing people I had in my life then. 

But the calls eventually stop, people change, relationships fade away. 

And they did. I lost friendships that to this day I still miss so dearly. That I wonder if I ever reached out would we still be able to pick up where we left off? 

And to top things off I got married and divorced all within a year. What was supposed to be the "honeymoon" stage was actually hell. We fought to no end. I shut people out because of him. I shut my closest friends and family out because of him. Did I love him? No doubt. And I always will. Apart of me thinks I leaned on him because it was such a hard time in my life, and the other part of me thinks we just grew apart. I went through some tragic things in life that instead of traveling down the road I was on, I turned off somewhere. I had to in order to grow, to move on, to deal with the pain, to prevent myself from going insane. That road I took may have been the less traveled but it was beautiful. 

When Blake and I split I continued on that road. I fell in love with the scenery. I fell in love with the places it took me. I feel in love with all of the things it said to me. Some days I didn't even have to talk, that road just knew me. It knew the days I was down and just needed to sit on the side of the road and cry, it knew when I had the biggest smile on my face and wanted to laugh until it hurt. The middle of your stomach kind of good laugh. 

But as some of you know dealing with divorce is tough. Regardless if you made the move, were cheated on, it was mutual or whatever, divorce sucks something out of you that you just can't explain. It's this weird feeling of am I making the right choice or should I try again? 

Some do make the right choice. Some do try again. 

All of our roads we take aren't meant to be explained to anyone but ourselves. 

But what I can say is that the road I was on, and the one I turned on to travel, I'm at a fork in the road. Do I continue to travel on this road and see what else it has to offer. Is it still good for me? Because don't get me wrong, this road has brought me heartache as well. Or do I take another road? Do I see what else is out there? Because I can't lie, I'm scared to go down another road, and have more heartache. 

So my question is how do you deal with heartache??? 

I'm not sure. But I sure am trying. I wonder if I will always have lingering pain in my heart. 

With my blogs I always post a picture, something nice and cute or my latest outfit but today, it's me, no makeup, hair back, t shirt on, tear stained eyes, the real me. Because life is real, and life is messy...

So when does it all get easier? 

You know life, the heartache it can bring. 

Until next time...

Social Media and Who People Are(Or Aren't)

Social media these days....

I tell you what, it's got people pretending to be everyone they're not.

People are acting happy when they're really not.

People are jealous over other people's lives when they themselves probably already have a good one themselves.

People act like they're someone cool or badass even when really they're scared and non confrontational.

Hell, it's got people pretending they're someone completely different because they're too scared to be who they really are in person.

I just don't get it.

Social media has been around for years.

Yes, we are all wrapped up in Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, etc. but who remembers the days of dial up AOL or the AIM chats.

I'm not that old but I am old enough to have been around when computers went from DOS to Windows.

When the green screens in elementary school made a noise everytime you clicked a letter or something on the keyboard.

It's crazy to sit here and think about how much it has evolved in my 28 years of life.

But what I don't understand is why people are so worried about being someone they're not.

Social media should be made for fun.

To share pictures of your life with people you grew up with, played soccer with as a kid or went to your high school prom.

Social media shouldn't be used to talk down to someone.

Social media shouldn't be used to wish your life was someone elses.

And social media DAMN SURE shouldn't be used to hide behind a computer screen, phone or tablet, to pretend someone you're not.

I started this blog years ago to give advice on clothes, shopping, books, etc., and over time it has evolved into more personal things like relationships, dating, love, loss, friendships and life in general.

But one thing you won't see on my blog is me being someone I am not.

I am as honest on here as I am in real life.

What you read here is what you get in person.

Now I know you're proabably thinking, damn, I want to meet her, she seems pretty badass....

And for those of you who haven't met me yet, you're missing out, because I am pretty cool.

But I am me.

I'm loud, I laugh louder, I love my dog, I love myself(and all the selifes I take), I love my family and my friends.

But what I am not is wishing I had your life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have had some pretty shitty cards dealt my way, but that doesn't ever make me wish, damn I want to be someone else.

No, it makes me damn proud of where I've been and what I have overcome.

And it makes my journey that much more enjoyable because I am being ME!

So, for everyone who is pretending to be someone else, wishing you had someone elses life, or simply just acting not like who you are in real life on social media.... CUT THE SHIT OUT!

There's really no need for it.

No one wants a fake as a friend on social media but someone different in life.

We get it, your house isn't always clean, or your car, and you might not have all the most brand new stuff in life and that's okay... because at the end of the day if you're still laughing(and I mean really laughing, that my stomach hurts kind of laugh) and enjoying life then darlin' that's called living.

So don't get on here and get too wrapped up in what everyone else has and making yourself wishing you had it too....because trust me... those peope aren't all they're cracked up to be. 

So people, let's just be ourselves, and uplift others and be happy and everything else will fall into place. 

Until next time... 

Adjusting To City Life

So, I wanted to give everyone a little update on my move and how things are going.

I am LOVING being in Katy.

I do miss home.

I really just miss seeing Kayli everyday.

You'd think we were in a relationship or something but just besties. haha

I miss the familiarity of things.

How quick it was for me to go to the store, or to go to Walgreens.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE WALGREENS HERE?

I've been dealing with allergies all week and have yet to find Walgreens. They always have the medicine I need. lol.

I live next to a really nice Kroger, and a Walmart.

So many nice places to eat and things opening up.

But I do miss my home and how quiet it is.

Living with two loud kids who basically own the upstairs of their house is an adjustment.

Luckily I won't be home a lot after the first few weeks of my job.

(More to announce about that later!!) :) :)

But, I love the two girls I work with.

They've welcomed me with open arms and with have shown me a lot this week.

I will miss working with them when we part ways in a month.

But, the adjusting is going well.

I still haven't unpacked.

Kind of like I refused to pack I am kind of not unpacking.

Maybe I'm in denial or maybe I am just tired.

But I know I need to do it.

I need to do laundry soon because I'm running out of clean undies.

I may just go buy new ones. HAHA

But I miss home.

My home.

My turquoise home.

I'm a little homesick writing this.

But I am happy with what's going on, and with what is to come.

I've already met some really cool people.

And eaten at some really nice places too.

I'm eating dinner with some girlfriends from high school tonight so I am excited about that.

I LOVE a familiar face in a brand new city.

Attached are the pictures of my adventure the last week.

Until next time....