Strength and Hurricanes

Strength. 

It comes in different forms. 

Way of life, waves(literally from Hurricane Harvey),faith, and just plain mindset. 

If you keep your mindset where you want it to be, if you're not there, you'll get there. 

Only you have the power over that.  

Recently, I got so down on myself. 

It was the anniversary of my mom's death. I feel like from August 1st until the day she died (August 19th) there's a black cloud hanging over me.  

It's aweful. 

It's a constant reminder of what I lost. 

11 of the other months of the year I allow it to remind me of what I gained. 

Never in a million years would I see my mom's death in gaining something in return. 

But this one month I just let it sink in, throw myself a pitty party, and then I have to move on. 

You see, life can be a hurricane sometimes. 

I mean that literally because we are currently in the middle of one. 

Or mentally because sometimes things just start flying everywhere and you don't know how to cope.

Or sometimes unexpected life events happen that we have no control over but we just have to keep on pushing forward. 

With the losing of my mom I realized how strong of a person I really was. 

I started doing things I never did. 

I left my comfort zone. 

I made new friends. 

I dated the wrong guy. 

I cut friends out. 

I lost love. 

I found new love in myself. 

I took a different job. 

I moved to the city. 

I did things I never thought I would. 

Sometimes I think if my mom was still here I'd still be doing a lot of the same of what I did before. 

Still with the same man, same friends, same job. 

Same, same, same. 

But losing her made me realize so much. 

The main thing it did was make me realize how short life is and that it's meant to be LIVED. 

So I make it my life goal to do that. 

Live it how I want it to be lived. 

Take the trip. 

Date the guy. 

Make the new friend. 

Buy the expensive purse. 

Cut all your hair off. 

Take the job. 

All things I was sooooo scared to do before I lost my mom. 

And all things that made me realize how strong I truly am. 

Yes, I took some unexpected trips. Gosh, they had some amazing views. 

Yes I dated the guy. Probably not the right guy but it was right when it was right and I learned so much about myself during that. 

I made new friends. Who introduced me to their friends and so on and so on. Now I just have a bigger family. 

I bought myself something nice and expensive that I would've spent that money on before. Because I wanted it and dammit I deserved it. 

I cut my hair off. 13 inches to be exact. I just decided I wanted a change. A hair midlife crisis. I loved it. But long hair is just my thing. 

But the one thing I did that showed strength was taking the new job. 

Never in a million years did I see myself working in healthcare and with people who have Alzheimer's at that. 

I had never been affected by it so I didn't know what it was like. 

And boy did it change my heart. 

I fell in love with so many residents and their families. 

It's what I needed in my life. And in my heart. 

So tomorrow, I'll be starting my new position as a Patient Care Liaison for a Hospice Company, and I'm excited. 

Yes hospice is hard. 

Yes it's providing end of life care. 

But families need it. 

They need people like me who are there to help. 

Because I've been there on that other end, needing someone's help and guidance as my mom entered the last stages of her life. 

So it's my turn to be that person. 

The strong one. 

Because of the strength I've gained... from my mom. 

I'm exxited for this opportunity. 

It's what I feel I was made for.

This is my purpose. 

And that thing called life, it's so valuable...

And boy am I living it. 

Until next time. 

Dealing With Heartache

Heartache comes in so many forms. 

The loss of a parent, friends, or even a significant other. 

Those 3 things happened all at once for me. 

Within a year, I watched my dad get taken away, my mom die, friendships fade away and my own husband and I didn't work out. 

Talk about a tough time. 

But I always try and keep the positive side. You know, be the strong one. 

But I'm not always strong. 

Sometimes I'm so weak I can't stand it. 

I write this blog about life.

Relationships, shopping, my crazy adventures but hardly do I ever talk about life and how much it can suck. 

So here it is...

Life is hard. 

Life has dealt me a very shitty deck of cards. 

I have cousins & friends who lost their parents at young ages as well. Do they know what I'm going through? 

But really, do they?

You see having my dad taken away from me was one thing. It hurt. Deep down inside my heart was broken. Broken because I couldn't do anything about it. Broken because I could talk to him but not see him. My best friend. 

Then 40 days later my mom died. I had a hand in that. My sister and I had to make the choice to take her off of life support. I got to say goodbye. But does that mean it hurts any less? Absolutely not. There are so many days that I ask myself why me, why my mom. All these other people have their parents and they don't see them much less appreciate them. So why a girl who finally in her mid 20s had the best  relationship she had ever had with her mom had have to have her taken away?  

In 6 days I will celebrate 3 years of her being gone. 

That word. 

Celebrate. 

Feels so wrong to say that. 

Because my heart doesn't feel like celebrating. 

My heart hurts. It aches. It longs to hear her voice and hear her give me her guidance again. It longs to hear that loud laugh I know my sister and I both have. It hurts knowing how much pain I felt 3 years ago. Wondering how I would push forward without her. 

But you do. You somehow wake up, pry yourself out of bed, and you go. 

I was thankful I had an amazing support system during those tough times. 

I had so many friends and family reach out to me that I never expected to. I'm not going to lie, I read all the posts on Facebook not too long ago and boy was I shocked at all the amazing people I had in my life then. 

But the calls eventually stop, people change, relationships fade away. 

And they did. I lost friendships that to this day I still miss so dearly. That I wonder if I ever reached out would we still be able to pick up where we left off? 

And to top things off I got married and divorced all within a year. What was supposed to be the "honeymoon" stage was actually hell. We fought to no end. I shut people out because of him. I shut my closest friends and family out because of him. Did I love him? No doubt. And I always will. Apart of me thinks I leaned on him because it was such a hard time in my life, and the other part of me thinks we just grew apart. I went through some tragic things in life that instead of traveling down the road I was on, I turned off somewhere. I had to in order to grow, to move on, to deal with the pain, to prevent myself from going insane. That road I took may have been the less traveled but it was beautiful. 

When Blake and I split I continued on that road. I fell in love with the scenery. I fell in love with the places it took me. I feel in love with all of the things it said to me. Some days I didn't even have to talk, that road just knew me. It knew the days I was down and just needed to sit on the side of the road and cry, it knew when I had the biggest smile on my face and wanted to laugh until it hurt. The middle of your stomach kind of good laugh. 

But as some of you know dealing with divorce is tough. Regardless if you made the move, were cheated on, it was mutual or whatever, divorce sucks something out of you that you just can't explain. It's this weird feeling of am I making the right choice or should I try again? 

Some do make the right choice. Some do try again. 

All of our roads we take aren't meant to be explained to anyone but ourselves. 

But what I can say is that the road I was on, and the one I turned on to travel, I'm at a fork in the road. Do I continue to travel on this road and see what else it has to offer. Is it still good for me? Because don't get me wrong, this road has brought me heartache as well. Or do I take another road? Do I see what else is out there? Because I can't lie, I'm scared to go down another road, and have more heartache. 

So my question is how do you deal with heartache??? 

I'm not sure. But I sure am trying. I wonder if I will always have lingering pain in my heart. 

With my blogs I always post a picture, something nice and cute or my latest outfit but today, it's me, no makeup, hair back, t shirt on, tear stained eyes, the real me. Because life is real, and life is messy...

So when does it all get easier? 

You know life, the heartache it can bring. 

Until next time...