Boy did I fall.
It had been years since I had literally just fallen on my face for a man.
So naturally I was quite upset when something happened causing me to end our time together.
I couldn't wrap my head around the situation.
Why me?
What did I do to deserve such a shitty outcome?
But then a couple of months later I got asked out to hit some batting practice followed by dinner by a guy that had been trying to date me for sometime now.
I was hesitant but told myself it was time to move on and allow myself to date.
WELL I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG!
After a short couple of weeks and me realizing he was not someone I wanted to date, we quickly went our separate ways.
I had to have a come to Jesus meeting.
It was during that time that I realized I was in fact supposed to cross paths with those people.
I had to see it for what it was.
Those were not forever people.
They were seasonal people.
Only here to teach me a lesson.
So, I started journaling my prayers.
I pray every day to God, and my mom but I wanted to write them down so I could go back and look over time and see what I had once prayed for and what I had accomplished over time.
The one main thing I prayed and prayed for was happiness.
Sure, I am a happy woman, but I wanted to be genuinely happy.
Every thought, happy.
Every reaction, happy.
If something was great, happy.
The one main thing I prayed and prayed for was happiness.
Sure, I am a happy woman, but I wanted to be genuinely happy.
Every thought, happy.
Every reaction, happy.
If something was great, happy.
But, if someone did me wrong I wanted to still be happy!!!
I needed to get better at my reactions.
At how I would cope with situations.
I have come so far over the years.
The last 5 for sure. 3 to be exact.
If you know me then you know pretty much what those timelines are in my life.
But on that day that I started my journal I told myself a few things that I would do and that is NO MORE SETTLING.
No more overlooking red flags.
No more excuses for people.
No more giving second or third chances.
No more SETTLING.
It's now been 6 months since that promise to myself and I have gone on 3 dates with 3 separate men.
I got a red flag, I walked away.
I was not interested, I walked away.
I received another red flag, I walked away.
But what's cool about it all is that I have hung out with guys, casually in group settings, with friends and so forth and still seem to keep walking away.
Sometimes them from me and me from them.
Either way, someone is walking and that's enough for me to thank God for the rejection.
You see, 6 months ago I wouldn't have been this girl.
I would have been upset.
Needed answers.
Needed closure.
Needed something to be able to let me walk away.
But what I finally realized was that if I did receive that, it's not like it made walking away any easier.
What I realized was that no matter how great of a woman I am to someone, sometimes it will never make them be great in return.
What I realized is that I don't have it in me to do onto others the shitty ways that have been done onto me.
What I realized is that I needed to start that journal to keep track of my path to happiness in order to glow through what I was going through.
I find myself in the most rewarding situations where if am not receiving the attention that I want or maybe I am being rejected, I simply smile and move on.
One of my girlfriends and I were talking about a situation a while back where a guy I liked at the time, I had been honest with him and let him know. He was honest and told me he wasn't looking to date, that we would remain friends but that he knew I wanted more and he wasn't at a place in his life to give me that.
He asked me the next day if I was mad at him.
My response was the absolute best I had ever given someone in my entire life.
I told him I wasn't mad because he did nothing for me to be mad at. He was honest and there was nothing more than that that I could've asked for. I told him I was interested in him but that he wasn't in return and that was okay. Because if he saw me worth the time, he would take the chance but due to his position in life he didn't want to. AND THATS OKAY!! Because I knew that that was my opportunity to be ready if and when the right person who wants to take the chance on me will come along. I told him we would remain friends regardless because to me that is what matters the most.
I remember admitting to my girlfriend that a year ago, I would've never given a response like that.
I would've been a brat.
Thrown a fit.
I needed to get better at my reactions.
At how I would cope with situations.
I have come so far over the years.
The last 5 for sure. 3 to be exact.
If you know me then you know pretty much what those timelines are in my life.
But on that day that I started my journal I told myself a few things that I would do and that is NO MORE SETTLING.
No more overlooking red flags.
No more excuses for people.
No more giving second or third chances.
No more SETTLING.
It's now been 6 months since that promise to myself and I have gone on 3 dates with 3 separate men.
I got a red flag, I walked away.
I was not interested, I walked away.
I received another red flag, I walked away.
But what's cool about it all is that I have hung out with guys, casually in group settings, with friends and so forth and still seem to keep walking away.
Sometimes them from me and me from them.
Either way, someone is walking and that's enough for me to thank God for the rejection.
You see, 6 months ago I wouldn't have been this girl.
I would have been upset.
Needed answers.
Needed closure.
Needed something to be able to let me walk away.
But what I finally realized was that if I did receive that, it's not like it made walking away any easier.
What I realized was that no matter how great of a woman I am to someone, sometimes it will never make them be great in return.
What I realized is that I don't have it in me to do onto others the shitty ways that have been done onto me.
What I realized is that I needed to start that journal to keep track of my path to happiness in order to glow through what I was going through.
I find myself in the most rewarding situations where if am not receiving the attention that I want or maybe I am being rejected, I simply smile and move on.
One of my girlfriends and I were talking about a situation a while back where a guy I liked at the time, I had been honest with him and let him know. He was honest and told me he wasn't looking to date, that we would remain friends but that he knew I wanted more and he wasn't at a place in his life to give me that.
He asked me the next day if I was mad at him.
My response was the absolute best I had ever given someone in my entire life.
I told him I wasn't mad because he did nothing for me to be mad at. He was honest and there was nothing more than that that I could've asked for. I told him I was interested in him but that he wasn't in return and that was okay. Because if he saw me worth the time, he would take the chance but due to his position in life he didn't want to. AND THATS OKAY!! Because I knew that that was my opportunity to be ready if and when the right person who wants to take the chance on me will come along. I told him we would remain friends regardless because to me that is what matters the most.
I remember admitting to my girlfriend that a year ago, I would've never given a response like that.
I would've been a brat.
Thrown a fit.
Been upset.
Needed closure.
BLAH FUCKING BLAH.
I'm a woman now.
I know my worth.
I know what I bring to the table.
I know I have baggage.
I know I'm worth letting someone help me unpack.
I know I'm sassy as hell.
And I am glowing.
I'm happy.
With or without someone.
I have learned so much in my new perception on things....
I learned that when I am denied something... rejection is God's protection.
I learned that I cannot pray for things only when they are bad but when they are wonderful as well.
I learned to truly give my heart to God so he could lead me towards the direction I want to go.
Needed closure.
BLAH FUCKING BLAH.
I'm a woman now.
I know my worth.
I know what I bring to the table.
I know I have baggage.
I know I'm worth letting someone help me unpack.
I know I'm sassy as hell.
I’m stubborn as hell too.
I know some days I’m harder to love than others.
I know some days I’m harder to love than others.
And I know the amount of love that I can give too.
I know what it means to GLOW, truly for the first time in my life
I know what it means to GLOW, truly for the first time in my life
And I am glowing.
I'm happy.
With or without someone.
I have learned so much in my new perception on things....
I learned that when I am denied something... rejection is God's protection.
I learned that I cannot pray for things only when they are bad but when they are wonderful as well.
I learned to truly give my heart to God so he could lead me towards the direction I want to go.
Here’s how I know he’s working through me...
I'm about 90% sure someone I considered a friend said some unpleasant things about me to someone recently and instead of reaching out and lashing out, I prayed for her. I prayed for her because I can't imagine being in such an unhappy place in my life that I have to stop happiness from happening to others. I prayed for her because I know I can go to sleep at night happy and comfortable with how God would have wanted me to handle the situation.
Is it always that easy?
HECK NO!
But true strength is keeping quiet when someone expects you to react.
True strength is learning how and when to walk away.
I am glowing and I am growing and with that I could not be any happier with life.
My approach and its outcomes are what make me so happy.
I'm on the verge of something great.
Something amazing.
Real love.
More happiness.
A beautiful feature.
I can feel it.
And God, he's the one I can thank for that.
Until next time.
Is it always that easy?
HECK NO!
But true strength is keeping quiet when someone expects you to react.
True strength is learning how and when to walk away.
I am glowing and I am growing and with that I could not be any happier with life.
My approach and its outcomes are what make me so happy.
I'm on the verge of something great.
Something amazing.
Real love.
More happiness.
A beautiful feature.
I can feel it.
And God, he's the one I can thank for that.
Until next time.
