Well, I've been M.I.A for over a month now so I finally decided to get back in my groove.
I haven't read any books in almost two months but I finally got back on my A game and read three books in less than a week.
I was finally able to read Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover.
LOVE doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about her books.
Anyway, I read a few chapters and knew that I needed to stop..... something in the book hit a little too close to home...
4 weeks and 2 days ago today my mother was called to Heaven. She lost her fight to Liver Disease, something that 4 other members in her immediate family have all lost the battle to as well.
In my mom's final days, she was intibated with a tube down her throat which did not allow her to be able to speak. She was awake and as much as coherent as possible given her sick conditions but she spoke enough with her eyes and colorful expressions.
My mom was in the hospital for 11 days before she passed.
The last 4 days I spent as much as possible by her bedside.
Everyday was new day. Some days she was improving, then the next she wasn't. It was until one night within a span of twelve hours that mom continued to get worse.
I can't stop thinking about how I was the one who was there with her when the doctors told me that hospice care was something to think about and that at this point they were thinking my mom wasn't going to make it much longer.
I normally wasn't the person to be there with mom. Normally my sister was because she is a stay at home mom and had more time to be able to take her whereas I work full time and live 2 hours away.
But that weekend I had packed my things and headed to be with mom. I already knew that I was marrying the man of my dreams but I was reassured when he went with me and stayed by my side through the final days.
Mom and I had fun, in which we always did, and we even managed to butt heads a time or two.
But that was normal.
During the last day when my sister and I had made the decision to remove my mom off of life support(per her wishes) I laid by her bedside, holding her hand, crying, and wondering how in the heck I was going to be able to let go.
As we were holding hands my mom touched my engagement ring....she made this face almost like "what is that," raised my hand and looked at my ring.
She mouthed to me with the biggest smile "that is so pretty!"
She put my hand down and continued to hold my hand as I just laid there and cried.
I couldn't quite understand how I was going to get through her leaving, how I was going to be able get through my wedding day without her and how on earth is it that she won't be there to meet her grandchild the day I finally had one.
But, as much as it hurt I knew that I didn't need to be selfish and I had to think about what pain she was in, & how she felt...
My sister and I knew we had to let her go even though our hearts didn't want us to!
The doctors said she wouldn't be able to talk much after they removed the breathing tube, that she couldn't have anything to drink and that she would probably pass soon after they removed the tube.
Well, like always, mom showed her true strength.
Mom knew we were having such a hard time letting her go and that not hearing her was something that Gina and I were both wanting so badly.
Mom talked to everyone in the room. All of our cousins, her brother and sister, my fiance and my sister's husband...she even got to talk to her grand babies on the phone.
My sister and I like to think that she gave us the closure she knew we needed. Lots of times families don't get to say their goodbyes or their last words and we got just that!
She talked about seeing Tom Landry and finally being able to go to a Dallas Cowboys game once she got to heaven... but most of all she was ready to be free of pain and with her parents and brother and sister!
4 weeks and 2 days and not one day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about her or teared up a little at the fact that I miss her like crazy!
Well, I finally broke down last week and finished the book I had to put down.
The reason being is because the main character Miles, talks about his mom being dead. I got to that part and put it down. It was too much. Then I remembered that my mom would always tell me to be strong and to fight through things and reading is something that is my happy place, my escape from reality.
I wanted to read that book because I have read a few of her others and each one I've walked away with a little piece of my life changed.
Of course, Colleen Hoover didn't disappoint.
The book gave me exactly what I needed and although I cried through most of it.... I know my mom was looking down on me, happy that I was doing something that I thoroughly enjoy and that I know she loved also.
I encourage others to read her book Ugly Love. If not that one then another one. Colleen writes about things that could very well happy in life. She writes about the realities that some face when given difficult situations. She writes about things that no matter how hard times may get...there's always sunshine after the storm!
